Social Anxiety Blogs

They made a whole category for Celebrity Deaths...

This is sad, not shocking considering what he has been through, but sad nonetheless.

Former teen heartthrob Corey Haim died early Wednesday morning in Los Angeles.

The actor was 38.

The Los Angeles coroner's office said Haim died at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank. The actor was taken by ambulance to the hospital from an apartment in Los Angeles.

The LAPD said his death appeared to be an accidental drug overdose, and an investigation is underway. The coroner's office said an autopsy will determine the cause of death.

SLIDESHOW: Corey Haim: 1971-2010.

Haim had flulike symptoms before he died and was getting over-the-counter and prescription medications, Police Sgt. William Mann said.

"He could have succumbed to whatever (illness) he had or it could have been drugs. Who knows?" Mann said. "He has had a drug problem in the past."

A TMZ videographer talked to Haim on February 18 in Hollywood, when he was out at a club with actor and friend Corey Feldman. Haim told TMZ he was "well" and had been sober for some time.

"I'm directing for the first time," he added. "I've got a few things happening."

Haim's first role was in the 1984 hit "Firstborn," in which he played a young child caught up in a family war.

Haim is most famous for his roles in the 1980s films "Lucas" and "The Lost Boys." Haim and Corey Feldman starred in several popular films together, including "License to Drive" and "Dream a Little Dream," and became one of the hottest young actor teams in Hollywood.

Haim's drug use took over his life, however, and helped ruin his career.

"I feel like ... I ruined myself [with drugs] to the point where I wasn't functional enough to work for anybody, even myself," Haim said in an interview in 2007.

After starring in several direct-to-video films in the 1990s, the actor made a comeback in 2006 in the reality series "The Two Coreys," again with Corey Feldman.

SLIDESHOW: Child Star Tragedies.

The successful show lasted two seasons, but Feldman said he refused to do a third season because of Haim's continued drug use.

Haim went to rehab and said he was sober and ready to work again, even taking out an ad in Variety magazine saying as much.

The actor was involved in several projects at the time of his death, including the film "The Science of Cool" with actress Mischa Barton, due out in 2010, and "The Dead Sea," which is currently filming.

drown myself in sorrows to prevent from losing my self worth, but i swear to god i feel so incredibly ugly. I think other people think so too, but wont admit it. I know i wouldn't if i thought someone was. I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. Because of this, my SA is FAR worse than it was. How can you feel good about yourself if you don't even feel worthy of anyones time and frankly like a &%#@ eyesore to them. I know i'm not hideous, but i feel far less than cute. I feels like now that i look different b/c i gained some weight and maybe aged a little, people are judging me more and less apt to be my friend. I don't know what the &%#@ is going on in my brain. I'm so incontent with everything. I'm working on getting a job very soon and will see an employment specialist ,FINALLY, through voc rehab. Hopefull i can get somethinge asy to get to without a car in this godforsaken spread out town. I feel like i repel everyone and i don't know why. I have dated this guy who seemed to really like me and i wasnt over my ex and now that im finally getting over him he seems to have lost interest after hanging out. It doesnt make any &%#@ sense. He probably wants a skinny bitch, asper usual and expected. I'm feel so negative right now b/c ive had horribel chronic pain and it hasnt been subsiding. It's all over my body. I feel helpless. All i can do is keep up with the yoga and live another day. &%#@ my life, seriously.

I know i sound like a whiney teenager , but i cant help it , it's me and i have to get it out. It's me. Take it or leave it.

I lost someone who wanted a baby with me, he was so quick to wanting a baby, too quick and everything just got distorted from there. It's a twisted tale and too long to tell right now. but lets just say that in the end, losing my ex, made me lose a great deal of myself. We were bestfriends and i predicted it would end tragically like it has. It's pathetic. I am pathetic.

I could be more stressed out from this day if I had internalized it like Im so used to doing. But Im doing my best to take a step back and realize most of the cards Ive been dealt in life have been good with a couple of bad ones thrown in. when i see how others have been dealt a handful of bad cards, i feel a whole lot better about my situation in life.

Ive had many moments in my life where Ive been paranoid and felt like everyone hated me. Just yesterday... and I kept trying to convince myself it was just hormonal or chemical in my brain making me think that. But its difficult to always believe that and very difficult to bear sometimes. And today Lillian spoke that she thought her family was trying to kill her. Because they neglected to turn the thermostat up 2 degrees from the nighttime temperature to the daytime temperature. And she could catch a draft and get sick and die. So she thought they were trying to kill her. Like truly believed that. And no matter what I said she wouldnt believe anything else. She said God was telling her that no one cared and that she could only trust Him... she is one who believes that as long as she puts complete faith in God, he will 'speak' to her thru her intuition. But yeah she has senile dementia and i can see that faith-based way of operating is not working out as she thinks it is.

So today while working with Lillian in her daughter's store, a repairman came to fix the freezer and before he left he had me sign a paper showing what he did and the charges. well, when she found out that he had gone she demanded to know why nobody came and got her. She wanted to check it out and speak with him, because as she said 'its my store'. Well she used to own a different store at one time, but shes since retired and her daughter has her come in 3 days a week and do filing and other odd jobs to keep her busy and active. But of course she cant run a store anymore, her mind is not all there. She got so mad at me and my coworker I thought she was going to try and fire us on the spot. I got soooo flustered and started shaking because I didnt know what to say to make it better. truth is, no one could have said anything to change her mind or make her understand. we all tried. even got her daughter on the phone to talk with her. but she was just lost in her paranoia. and i had to step outside and get a breather and reform before i could go back to work. and i feel so bad that i had ugly thoughts about her, about how i wish i didnt have to deal with her and why does she have to wear every single person in her life down until they cant handle anymore... I wish i was better equipped to handle this, because situations with her are becoming more and more frequent, but even knowing that she is sick and cant help it doesnt make it easier to handle... and im not even a relative, and I am only with her 3 days a week!

but ive come to the conclusion that i have to not feel so bad about my own shortcomings, or blame myself so much. just like lillian, or others with certain mental disorders, if i had known how to prevent my problems, i would have. if i could have chosen to see things clearer, i would have tried (correction: i DO try). we are not evil ppl for having shortcomings or for ever having made ppl feel uncomfortable or having put unnecessary burdens on them (everyone does that sometimes). and by far, i can see whatever discomfort or burdens i ever cause for others (and much of that i know is only my imagination), it comes up wayy short of what i see happening with lillian. i could see today in that situation, theres no blame to be laid. it is just a sad situation, for everyone involved, and theres nothing can be done to make that go away. ive always been so busy trying to find where the blame should be laid in so many bad situations, and im realizing it doesnt always work that way. usually when i didnt find a suitable place to lay the blame (and sometimes I did that unfairly), I would lay it on myself (also unfair). sometimes bad situations cant be avoided, and therefore what everyone in that situation needs is not a place to put blame, but help and understanding and comfort, from as many sources as possible. because those burdens of resolve left on the shoulders of one or two get very very heavy indeed.

so heres my ideal theory of how to make bad situations better: get help from a dozen ppl (a 'village' as they say) and each of them contributes in their own unique and small way (so as not to put too much on any one person) and adding it up altogether the problem gets smaller. all these different ppl sand it out and wear it down until its edges get smoothed out, even if it doesnt go away. and we all go around helping each other out with our problems all day long. the end.

well thats just my idealistic fairy-tale way of looking at the world. maybe thats how i deal with my problems. just imagine a better way of getting around it and think optimistically and hopefully toward the future. i dont know how far off track i am but i always feel renewed and re-energized when i can think of things that way, and i alwasy thought everyone else would do well to do the same, because it was just a better feeling... but now im realizing everyone has different ways of finding renewal, and that problems cannot always be solved, no matter how many willing suspects are involved.

To boot, my coworker let me know today she was diagnosed with lymphoma! My cards are looking better and better.

they really do. there's enough during the day to keep me busy and my mind occupied, but that all falls away at night. all i'm left with is overwhelming loneliness and sad.. and a bit of a hatred for happy sunny people. it's even worse when there's someone around at midnight and rant and rave and get into a long conversation about relationships and sex with. i mean really, am i really getting into the beyond patheticness that have been my attempts at those? really, i've gone out of my way not to ever talk about these just horrible experiences before and i choose tonight to unleash a good deal of them? file those under things that should never be shared. ever. i may of even had a pact with myself to bring them to my death bed. that level of pathetic.

i think i'm used to the thoughts buzzing around my head all the time, but actually voicing them.. err typing them.. makes them real. i'm used to sad thoughts. they pretty much fill my every waking moment, but sharing them. damn not a good idea. unleashes the waterfall that is my sad mind. I DON'T WANT MY THOUGHTS TO BE REAL! but they are. damn. i mean of course you shouldn't base your whole happiness on someone else, but just never getting the chance to share that kind of closeness with someone is like a knife through the heart. leads to me wanting to kill off those thoughts anyway possible. oh yes i'm back to drinking so much every night that i'm staggering outside in the middle of the night to throw up so no one can hear me.. and then drinking some more. and being sprawled out on a bathroom floor after a show and having to text a friend to come rescue me because i can't stand up. and i wonder why i'm alone. i really should put more stock into cycles.

I've been obsessed with getting wrinkles ever since I took a picture of my eye & posted it here. I didn't think I had any wrinkles & everyone always tells me that I look a lot younger than I am, but when I looked closer at that picture, I realized that I had a wrinkle underneath my eye. It's been really disturbing me ever since. As soon as I have the money I'm going to try to buy some of that wrinkle reducer cream just so I don't get wrinkles, or more of them at least. I'm not sure how old people are supposed to start getting wrinkles, but in a way I think I'm sort-of prematurely aging. Unless people my age (28) are supposed to start getting wrinkles now. Ever since I saw that wrinkle, I've been thinking about those anti-aging commercials & hearing the "fine lines & wrinkles" line in my head all the time lol.

The Darker Side of Human Nature

Lately I've been considering how people are so often judged poorly by others, and how this can lead them to become people that others dislike, or just people that hate themselves..

I've always said and believed that 'society creates its own monsters', and I've seen the proof a number of times.. but looking beyond public exposure of things like the Columbine massacres to my own personal experiences, I've noticed I tend to befriend people that 'almost' became those 'monsters' people love to hate..

..

One guy I became friends with a while back shared the same distaste for office politics and 'drama' that I did - not atypical, I know... But the thing is, after knowing him for a while, I found out that he had very few friends (like me), and his one best friend was a self-loathing individual that was almost the opposite of the guy I befriended. (one hated others, the other hated himself)

So eventually I found out that these two both had come from similar circumstances in school: they both were picked on for their differences (one was quiet, the other was a foreigner - and both disliked conformity).

What was the real shocker for me is that these two had jointly made plans to shoot up the school. I kid you not - they scoped out the school, drew up blueprints, had the whole concept ready for execution (and this was a decade before Columbine). They both even considered doing driveby's at people's houses, and instead of 'offing' the people they hated the most, they thought beyond that - and wanted to exact revenge on the pain caused to them by terminating their enemy's loved-ones (so that they can suffer in pain and agony the rest of their lives). It sounds like the work of very very sick minds - and yes, they were obviously mentally unstable at the time. But me, I like to explore the reasons for human nature, not just slap a label on people and be done with it.

Now, I in no way condone the actions these two were considering - but I do *understand* why they felt the way they did. I too was picked on (heck, lots of kids were and still are). Why should these other kids get to make mine or anyone else's life a living hell? Now, I certainly don't think violence is the answer - hell, it only creates a vicious circle of repeating violence. But seriously, who hasn't wished someone dead at some point in their life? It's a natural feeling, though most of us usually grow out of it.

Anyway, the point is - people are cruel to other people. To let such actions continue on without intervention will undoubtedly lead to one of their tormented victims becoming mentally unstable and possibly violent - even murderous. (It of course takes a number of additional factors for this behavior to emerge, but such abuse definitely takes its toll on the victim)

Also, another person I made friends with online was actually involved in attacking websites and people online. He too had a similar background driving his hatred and hateful actions towards others.

You might ask why I stayed friends with these people. Am I sick too? Do I imagine doing cruel things to others? Well, no.. but I did at one point in my life. And so I can empathize with *why* they were the way they were.

...

So anyway, time does have an effect on people and their attitudes.. Today, the mastermind behind that planned massacre is now a devoted born-again Christian with many friends and a family of his own. The 'troll' who was cruel to people online actually wound up creating a website to help support others who have mental disorders.

Interesting how people can come *so* close to becoming something society completely despises, and then later becoming someone that people admire, adore, and love, hey?

It begs the question then - should we EVER judge a person? EVER? Or should we accept them... Find the good in them and cherish it? Find that hurt person inside that just needs a little more attention, and help it become more a part of who they are?

As I see it, everyone has a 'dark' and 'light' side... the scales can be tipped one way or another. What do you say we stop pointing fingers, accusing, becoming the same tormentors these people already have had enough of in life. Lets look beyond the ugly cruel thoughts festering in their minds, and try to see that hidden self inside those layers of hurt and anger. If we can be a friend to them - a positive influence - maybe we can help that good person inside break free of the shackles that bind it..

Perhaps I'm just another dreamer.. but its sure nice to think of people being less judgmental and cruel and instead being more understanding and supportive..

...

P.S. That self-loathing friend-of-a-friend I spoke of is *possibly* still unhappy and alone - but one good change I got to see in him was that he lost a lot of weight and as a result had a somewhat better image of himself after becoming thin again. (I lost contact with him years ago, unfortunately)

...

Anyway.. that would be my mullings over the darker side of human nature as I have experienced it..

-ashes

I'm thinking of dropping my German class and taking it in the summer instead. I'm not doing well on the quizzes and tests and I feel that if I continue that I'll end up with a D or worse. I need this class to graduate. I won't drop below half-time mark if I drop it but I will be left with only three classes (9 credits) this semester. I feel that I will be judged for dropping it, but I don't know. I'm stressing over it more than I should. But, if I decide to drop it and take it in the summer, what if I do poorly in the summer as well?

Plus, I'd be going into school housing for the summer if I did this since they only have it on campus. I'd have to get financial aid for the summer too. Why does this all have to be so complicated?!

This all seemed to boil to the surface this morning when I woke up to discover that I'd slept through my alarm clock and missed the first half of my class. It might be a sign that I need to take a step back.

of this darkness that has taken over,,, its so painful,, unbelieveably painful.. i am so desperate for a place to hide, to escape, to feel peace,, calm..

I have a tendency to delete my profile pages on sites like these so now that I'm back I just thought I'd explain myself in order to feel somewhat less awkward.

I was previously known as pigasus. Only a few people here would remember me but anyway... I feel kinda bad about the habit of avoidance I have and I think I'd feel more comfortable and less likely to leave again if others understood my behaviour.

Basically, I leave because I feel unable to communicate properly with others. There are people that I feel expected (and want) to be friendlier around, but I'll end up talking to them as if they are complete strangers. I feel embarrassed about it and worry that they will see it as a form of rejection. In addition to that, my reclusiveness kinda defeats the purpose of being here, but I guess I should try to work on that so...

hello again

My mom just really upset me. I was trying to get something to eat when my mom asked me "what are you going to do with your life? are you just going to keep staying in your room all day"..

that made me feel really bad I am home 24/7. I havent left the house in a long time. My mom is obviously not very nice, and i dont care for her husband either. So of course im going to stay in my room most of the time. I clean for them and pick of their dogs crap. I mind my own business and i think im respectful to them. I dont really question them or yell or anything. I just keep to myself.

They told me they would put me in driving school months ago. I was supposed to do it last summer.. but that didnt happen. Instead they used the money to buy a dog. Then they got another dog. Then my mom got a car. Then this huge flat screen tv. Then my moms husband got a car. And here I am months later.. and my permit has expired. And they have not talked once about putting me in driving school. And im always too afraid to mention it since last time i did my mom told me to "get a job". They really dont give a fuck about me. I think what my mom said was really uncalled for. She is not helping me at all, even when ive asked her nicely. In response to her little comment to me about what i want to do with my life, i said she could teach me to drive. she laughed and said "id have to drink to teach you so that wont be happening". what am i supposed to do? i had to move up here a year ago, and i still dont know much about anything up here. i dont like walking alone so i really cant get out much.

shes my mom.. i dont understand why she doesnt help me more. i dont have anyone else who can help me. she wont even take me out when i ask her to take me to a store. once i asked her to pick up some milk, she was like "i dont feel like it". its just milk and theres a store not too far from here.

its hard being in this situation. i wish i could get away from here. fdsjkljfldksjfkldsjfldksj

I'm so damn tired but can't fall asleep too much on my mind so i thought I'd write a blog hoping it helps me feel better at least a lil bit the thing that stresses me out and keeps my mind busy is that my future is so damn dark and uncertain i can't even have a normal life life like anyone else i know life's tough everyone have their own issues blah blah but gah my circumstance is so damn complicated and is gettin more and more complicated I already have shitloads of stress in my life cuz of this uncertainty it's driving me nuts I'm literally imprisoned in my room it's been so long that i'm waiting for a miracle to happen and things change don't get me wrong I've done my best to better my life but the more i tried the more frustrated i got all my efforts been futile so far it's like swimming against the stream at the moment I can't do absolutely nothing(no opportunities at all) but wait and see what gonna happen and it's killing me I'm losing my hope it put so much pressure on me I'm a human being for god's sake not a machine can't take this no more I've already given up on my dreams of becoming a good guitar player and have my own band make music etc it was hard as hell but I can't even have a normal life let alone being a musician my best years are goin down the drain and I can't do nothing I lay on my bed most of the times and rarely even leave my room it seems that I'm doomed like I've came to this world to suffer i had a rotten past and childhood and even thinking about my future makes me sick to my stomach at the moment all my issues seem insurmountable and overcoming them is way beyond my strength I'm keep struggling though my friends tell me to stay strong and not to give up hope I'm trying to but it's way much easier said than done ,I'm falling apart just needed to rant thanks for reading my blog it means alot




123playlist.com Free Mp3 Search Engine & Free Playlist

An early heads up that we spring forward this coming Saturday - three weeks earlier than it once was. Sunday, March 14, 2010 2am is completely skipped! (We'll get it back in November! )


Sunrise and Sunset will be one hour later each - for me...sunrise is about 8:05am and sunset would be around 7:40pm (still less than 12 hours).

.....oh, and my cop count is 2,084!

Right now I'm feeling really sorry for myself. It just suddenly happened. I worry that I'll never have any friends & no one will ever like me. Especially as anything more than that. There are a lot of things I don't like about myself. There are a lot of things I do like about myself, too, but others only see the negative about me & never the positive. Plus, a lot of the things about me that I consider positive, a lot of others consider negative. All I want is to be able to have a real life. To be able to have a conversation with someone, to not feel so horrible around people, to not feel like no one would like the real me if they knew it. I wonder if anyone will ever like the real me. Probably not. I don't want to be alone forever, but I probably will. Who would ever date me? No one. That's the truth. It's horrible, but it's the truth. I'm feeling horrible & depressed right now & miserable about my future. Even if I am ever able to someday get better at being around people, nothing's ever going to make up for all the lost time. My life's been meaningless & worthless up to this point. If it weren't for taking care of my mom, it would be 100% worthless. I've done nothing. I'm so behind in life. No one will ever even give me a chance, even if I'm ever able to give them a chance. Life sucks. I'm so tired of being this way & I just want it to all change. I wish I had a crystal ball to look through to tell me what things are going to be like ten years from now. Then I'd know whether feeling like this was a waste or not. I highly doubt it is, though. I have to stop now before I just continue this. I'm just feeling so horrible & I'm so tired of it all. I wonder why I was ever even born. It just doesn't make sense.

had this song in my head all day, trying to get it out... Love it :P

hope this posts and you all get some laughs


Facebook Abuse - Watch more Man In The Box

Last night, was an eventful night. It started with me running late to meet with my sister and ended with the two of us in a Denny's at midnight.

For every first Friday of a month, downtown Phoenix has what might be called an art walk, though it has grown to such a size that you cannot simply walk the entire thing. Many museums are open to the public, free of charge, around 6pm and several art galleries have their doors wide open for everyone. There's a street blocked off so that vendors and artists can set up items to sell. Clothes, paintings, photography, crafts, jewelry, food and more. They, quite conveniently, call this event First Friday.

This evening was my second 1/2 time. The first time I went I didn't realize just how big it was as I didn't stay long and had come for a different reason than browsing through paper flowers and metal sculptures.

This last time though, I was captivated by what is called Capoeira. It's an Afro-Brazilian art form. It combines martial arts, dance and music. It's beautiful, in a violent sort of way. We had to crowd around in a circle to watch them flip and turn, swipe their legs at each other and invisible opponents. Here's a video of a different group from Toronto.



We stayed to watch that for a while, then we went to get some gelato, then we got stranded in a shady part of town a mile and half from our car. That, was not so fun. My sister and I took one of the trolleys that they have for this event and on an impulse we got off at this place called the Kooky Kraft Store. It wasn't until after that we realized that the trolley we were just on would be the last one of the night. So, after a guy came up to us and asked us if we "got weed", both my sister and I pulled out our pepper spray and started walking. 3 blocks, a gallery of mutant pinatas and finally getting into a more well lit part of town later, we spotted familiar buildings and placed our fates in the hands of my sister's iphone for directions. And, that led us to finally finding our car and having pancakes at midnight. What a night.

rotting away
buried in this grave
mentally
and emotionally drained

on my knees i fell
torment with no end
apparently
nothing can numb the pain

this empty shell
living this hell
gradually
grew cold and colder

have lost my faith
in this desolate space
desperately cry
I'm coming to an end

i know im not online hardly at all anymore. my bad if anyone thinks i left em hangin, but im trying my damndest to make a life of my own here in cali so i dont have as much time anymore as i used to.
but at anyrate, im gettin things done out here. its been hard as hell. everything has. nothing has went as expected...but im still alive. im surviving. ive made alot of progress. but its takin alot longer than i thought to get my ssi transferred and get my health care and i cant get into a therapist/psych until i get everything trasferred,im also runnin low on meds,(that and ive hit a mercedes, had over 3 grand in unexpected expenses(like getting my car smogged..WTF, paying damn near 500 bucks to transfer my drivers liscence and plates to here etc. ....im bustin my *ss here...ive had moments of extreme happiness(when Im with Alana)and when im gettin stuff done, there's been times ive wanted to kill myself. ive heard people being killed outside. my anxiety has been through the roof. i mean about everything. there are so many challenges. many i wont mention out of respect. but lets just say that i did a really good thing/really bad thing tonight. meaning that in many ways its the right thing to do, but it may be the death of me.......give me my effing medical card you dumb slow *ss cali ssi workers...do you want me to run out of my meds? WTF....im elligible and i have it coming to me....give me the *hit so i can get into a therapist and psych before its too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lady Gaga was last night.

I'm torn between proudness and sadness.

I was feeling very anxious on the way and I started to get upset when we got there. I was completely stressing. I had taken Diaziepam but all that had done was make me sleepy.

My sisters went on ahead and managed to get one of the women who worked there to sit me in this quiet area. I calmed down but was still feeling sick and dizzy.

When the supporting acts were on, I decided to go and find our seats. I had to pass all these people buying merchindice, food and drinks. I had been crying so I was very self consious about my apperance so while I was walking, I was finding my feet to be very fascinating.

We got inside and I felt okay, but the seats were messed up. There were four of us and only three on one row and the other seat was two rows down. That flipped me and I was out of there like a bullet! So many people and it scared me.

I went for a walk outside with my mom to get freash air until Lady Gaga came on. Unfortunatly (but she does this all the time,) she was late on so we had to wait a little while more. Then finally I could hear the begining of 'Dance In The Dark' so me, mom and the woman that was helping us went down and stood by the curtain.

It was really good, the floor was vibrating under my feet and it was so loud. I stayed for about 5 songs until I started to get anxious again so I left with mom.

All I can say is I did my best. I was very anxious and struggling badly with anxiety at the moment. I got to see Gaga and they'll always be another concert to go to.

I'm hopeless.

I realize there are some things I can't change. You make mistakes; you learn. You frickin fall; you get up. You fuck up; you try to fix it. What makes a person strong I think, is belief. Belief that things can change for the better; belief in another person or being; belief in one's self that you are someone and you can make a difference and your life is not mundane or small in the scheme of things. I guess I lost all hope; all my "things" that made me into a strong person, and I guess that I thought I lost my belief, but that is one thing that you can never lose. I thought it was pride I was holding on to (or still am) but really the only thing I can see that'll keep you going is belief. I believe that there is a greater good; that there could be a Kingdom Come if you wanna call it that and that there is a God.....I don't know what it is; what you wanna call it; what you want to or can believe in, but I do know that without it, we'd all be blackholes.