Social Anxiety Blogs

I have been on medication in the past and it did not help. But, I haven't tried everything.

I've had a pretty good thing with my job in the last year and a half. But I'm in a bit of a bind now. My boss increased my hours with caring for her mom, who has senile dementia. So now it went to 4 days a week that I watch her. Unbelievably difficult. I can't imagine actually caring for my own aged parent if they had that. I understand from what others say that she was sort of bull-headed and strong-willed before she became ill. But really, she's impossible sometimes. The other week she fell while under my care, fortunately she didn't hurt herself, but I felt partly responsible because she was really exasperating me and I went ahead of her instead of helping her past the cobblestone with her walker, which I normally do. I took her things to the car and then next thing I know, she's screaming on the ground. She fell into some plants in the garden, so no injuries. But the other day we were leaving and we got past the cobblestone, and she has already asked me 2 or 3 times if the door is locked... "are you sure?" yes, i say... "you checked it? because ive had my house broken into before and these people [her family] dont always lock the door." yes, I just locked it and checked it, it's locked, i promise... "are you sure?" YES, "would you just check it for me please while I watch you? I've gotta know it's locked." Meanwhile I'm standing there with 20 pounds of her stuff carried over my arms and in my hands, but I feel forced to comply with her OCD demands because I know her well enough to know that if I didn't do it, she would forget she couldn't walk and try to run to the door herself and check it, and fall, again. So as exasperated and angry as I am (and I'm only at the end of my rope because this type of thing happens very regularly, I do it, and I say "you're trying me, Lillian. You're trying me." I just feel manipulated and I don't like that feeling. I grew up feeling that way, and in the past 2 months I've realy gotten a lot of stuffed down feelings out about that. And I don't want any more of it.

So I told my boss today that I would like to take less Lillian time and more time at the store... but she said she doesn't need anymore help at the store. So me reducing my hours with Lillian is going to greatly affect how well I can pay my bills... really with what I make now I cut it close, and just cutting out 3 hours a week (not that much out of 17) will set me back $120 a month... and I really feel the need to cut back even more. So... I'm going to look for another part time job to fill in for it. And then hopefully take out Lillian care completely. It's just too hard for me, I've tried everything I could think of to try and deal with it better. I just can't. I find myself physically shaking and speechless and bursting with resentment on a regular basis... and that's not good for anyone. Not for me, and not for Lillian.

Today on the phone she called the store looking for her daughter who wasn't there. She was convinced she was supposed to come into work today and thought she was waiting on someone to pick her up. I told her I didn't know where her daughter was but I stayed on the phone with her and talked to her anyways cuz I could tell she was anxious. I told her I didn't think she was supposed to come today, and told her to go find Zac who was staying there with her today... so she told me 'Well you're no help!" I said, "Lillian, I am trying to help you the best I can. If that's not good enough for you, well then I'm sorry." Then I interrupted whatever she said next and said, "OK, bye" and hung up. Then my boss walked in after that, and just then the phone rings again, and I know it's her. I was shaking and speechless, so I told my boss to get the phone, like, "can you get that please?"!!! OMG! I thought, woah, she could see that as disrespectful... kinda sounded like I was trying to be HER boss! LOL But she was just like, 'Oh are you on your break?" haha I was really surprised she didn't react negatively but she didn't sweat it. Maybe I should do that more when I feel overwhelmed. I usually try to cater to her always because she's my boss. Oh and then lillian called back again to apologize to me, and she didn't really remember what had happened but she knew that something was amiss and that she must have said something wrong from the feeling she had. She really is a sweet lady sometimes. Growing old is a bitch.

Anyway, yes, just that bit of conflict with Lillian and her being so "horrible" as I sometimes tell her that I wish she would just let me help her instead of being so... "horrible" for lack of a better word... and yeah I've stopped feeling bad about being more open with her about that, because otherwise I would have blown my brains out a while back. It really is hard to deal with someone like that on an everyday basis. You'd never know it until you had to. When I first met her I thought she was the sweetest old lady I ever met. Despite how difficult I could see she was at times, I felt like her sweet personality made up for it. But when you deal with that day after day, it's just sooo wearing and exhausting and... horrible. You kind of have to let the person in on how much they are taxing you, or you might feel like an actual slave, with her standing over you holding the whip. Seriously.

Anyway, that's the state of my existence right now. I wish I had a friend I could call up on the phone and talk to like this. This seems like the wrong place to put all of these details of my day. BUT anyway, thanks for reading, if you got this far... I'm currently sitting in my car, in a hotel parking lot, leeching the free WIFI, it's actually really relaxing. I don't mind not having internet at my place. I will find some more spots along this strip, because a lot of places here offer free wifi and I need to rotate spots so not to be a menace (or get noticed). Peace.

58(fear) + 48(avoidance) = 106

Today I went and met with a local independent game developer. I feel it went very well. From the work I showed the CEO, he said he could tell I have a passion for it. He said my getting a job was a "maybe". He also said that all the people currently working there were a 'maybe' as well. He said he said "no" straight out to people with college degrees in the area of work. so I have that much.

Here's hoping...

I'm so tired of nothing but bad things happening all the time. Not only do I have to deal with occupational therapist until she decides she'll stop coming here, but now my psychiatrist is leaving & I won't even get to see him again. I have things I need to talk to him about-- not a complete stranger. He's also supposed to be the best doctor they have there & I couldn't even make him understand my problems, so how am I supposed to make someone else understand? Even though anxiety & panic, etc. are some of my main issues, he didn't even treat that for like a year & a half.

He diagnosed me with bipolar disorder & thought that I was only afraid of leaving the house & of being around people because I was in a depressive state when I first saw him. He thought my anxiety was caused by the bipolar disorder, even though I've had this anxiety & have been afraid of being around people & out of my comfort zone my whole life. However, even though the depression completely lifted after I was given Lamictal --a mood stabilizer--(it was 100% gone for at least six months or longer), I was still too afraid to leave the house or be around people. I still missed appointments over that constantly, but he still never dealt with my anxiety until right before I started school in '09, which was one year & four & a half months after I started seeing him.

He put me on a very low dose of Klonopin, which did virtually nothing at all until nearly a year after I started taking it. All it did was make me less jumpy at noises I heard outside (car doors, people talking, etc.) & make them a little less noticeable. But it did nothing to make it easier for me to leave the house or to talk to people, or for my anxiety in general. It finally started helping a little around the end of Winter or beginning of Spring, but it still didn't do much. Even though he knew it wasn't really helping & I wasn't getting any better, he never did anything about it. Finally, the last time I saw him, in April or May, I specifically asked for a dosage increase which he, luckily, gave me with no problem. Now, he has me taking 1mg twice daily. It still does not do much good, but I do notice a slight difference between when I have it & when I don't. It's especially good when I'm starting to have a panic or anxiety attack. It calms me down a little quicker. Once, maybe a month ago, I was absolutely terrified to leave the house. I took one & within half an hour felt I could leave. I was still scared, but not as scared & I actually did it. Without the med, I would have never been able to leave the house at all.

I'm afraid of getting stuck with another psychiatrist who will focus on the bipolar only & nothing else. Even though the bipolar is the least of my problems. Most people with bipolar disorder are able to have productive lives-- I am not. I wanted to talk to my doctor & tell him that I haven't been taking my lithium because it only ever made me feel worse, but I won't be able to tell him now & the new doctor could just think I'm a horrible person who doesn't follow doctors orders, which isn't true at all. I'm also afraid the new doctor will change all of my meds or give me another diagnosis that's even more wrong than the diagnosis of bipolar may be. I've been thinking for a while now that I may very well not even be bipolar. Even though it does fit in a few ways, I've realized that my moods directly correlate with the anxiety & stress I have in my life, & with events that happen, among other reasons, & now I won't even be able to talk to him about the possibility of me maybe having been misdiagnosed.

I read a book about bipolar disorder written by a doctor at John's Hopkins & it said that mood stabilizers only work for those who are bipolar which is one of the reasons I assumed I must have actually been bipolar, because the Lamictal drastically helped. But I have recently come to realize that mood stabilizers are beneficial to people with a lot of other disorders-- not just bipolar disorder, so that doctor was giving misinformation in his book.

I'm so incredibly depressed right now & so incredibly overwhelmed with everything that's going on & if I had a quick, easy, & painless way of killing myself right now, I would definitely do it. I just can't take this useless, pointless life anymore. I know it would probably hurt my mom, & I would really worry about my cats, but I can't take this anymore. It's one thing after another. Nothing ever gets any better & people will not stay out of my house. Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. If they put my mom back into a nursing home for good, anyway, there will be no reason for me to be alive, anyway. I will never be able to see mom again. I will have no transportation to the nursing home. I have no income to take care of myself & will be homeless once they put her there. I will probably be denied for SSI so that's definitely going to do no good. I need a way to take care of myself & a way to be away from all this drama ASAP, but that's just not possible. I really hate my life & hate the fact that everyone else has things so much easier. They're able to have jobs, lives, friends, they have families who support them, & all I have is my mom who could probably care less about me. She just likes me purely & only because she's so dependent on me. I doubt she even loves me at all. I have no friends & no one else who would even miss me. Some people online might feel bad at first, but they'd quickly forget about me, as would everyone else who ever knew me at all. I'm so tired of thinking about suicide, but it seems the only option. It's the only way to stop having to deal with all this mess. The only good way to do it would be by getting in a car, putting something in the muffler, & letting it happen via carbon monoxide, but that can't happen because, unfortunately, I have no car at all.

The occupational therapist was here again today & had my mom crying hysterically. My mom actually came upstairs to tell me to come downstairs to talk to the therapist because she started painting our walls. I know my landlord is going to take that out of our security deposit. It would have been a miracle if we had gotten it back anyway, but he will definitely not give it back to us now which will make it even harder for us to move.

I called & reported the occupational therapist for the things she was doing yesterday, as well as for the things she was doing today. That did no good. They didn't even reprimand her. All they did was tell her to continue to do what she's doing & to back off a little. To her, that means nothing. She threatened my mom with a nursing home numerous times today, because my mom wanted her to leave. But she said that if she leaves, she will see to it that my mom gets taken from here & put into a nursing home for good. I told her supervisor that, along with how she took our couch cover (& still has not brought it back), came in through our closed window yesterday because my mom was tired & didn't hear her knocking & she got in no trouble for it at all. Then my mom called me from her phone to have me come downstairs again to talk to her. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But i did it anyways because my mom was crying. I tried to explain to that lady how upset she was making my mom (who was crying right there) & the occupational therapist blamed me for it. What????? My mom came upstairs crying & telling me what the lady was doing, then she called me crying for the same thing, but somehow, although i was upstairs trying to avoid that lady, I am to blame for my mom being so upset?????

There's absolutely nothing I can do at this point. I've already turned her in to no avail & I don't know what else to do. They're still letting her come here. She's still going to be turning our lives upside down & still going to make me & my mom feel like hell & cause us both unneeded stress. She told me today that I need to leave the house on the Tuesdays & Thursdays she's here so that I won't be involved in anything & my mom can't call me if she's having a problem with something that's being done. She's completely disrespecting my mom by coming into her house & doing things my mom tells her not to do. But, she wants me out of my own house just so my mom can't tell me about the things she's doing while she's here. When I told her I have no where to go, she goes "Well, don't you have a job??," as if that's any of her business at all. I told her No, I don't have a job & she asked why, as if that's any of her business. I told her the truth: That I have agoraphobia & am afraid of leaving the house & it's very hard for me to talk to & deal with people. I told her that's why I don't like having people here & that's why I try to stay in my room when they are here. Of course, that's probably just going to go against me. That will probably make me look even worse & more unfit to take care of my mom. She said she'll be coming here for a couple more weeks, but she's been saying that for two weeks & is still here. I just want her to go away & so does my mom. She's doing nothing but making things more stressful for the both of us.

39(fear) + 38(avoidance) = 77 Thats about what I got last time I took it.

Barring unforseen complications and/or drama,I think I'm going to like this job.

MUCH more laid back than I would have expected. The shift manager just points you in the direction,and does his own thing. I was left alone to the point that it became a problem,lol... If it weren't my first day at it,it wouldn't be any problem,but eh...Its not a bad indication whatsoever,but I expected a bit more 'guiding' my first time at it.

There definately will be a couple arses in the group that'll talk among themselves about me,but with the policy in regards to that sort of thing there,that's probably all it will ever be... I was surpisingly left completely alone by the other employees too...Not at all what I expected. Maybe I'm freaky to them,who knows They can't say anything without risking some sort of punishment.

Well,it was a pretty good night,aside from the times I got frustrated because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Customer interaction was extremely limited. Only thing thats bothering me at the moment is not getting told more...That won't even be an issue once I've been there about a week though.

Well,I'm tired...Gonna wind down now and get rested for another go...I'll feel alot better once I've got a sleep schedule down again.

32 (fear) + 22 (avoidance) = 54

When I was younger a group of girls my age got to ask a panel of "eligible bachelors" questions about relationships, love, etc. I can't remember much about a lot of it, but one questions has stuck out through all these years. One girl ask, "What if a girl has a past, but she's moved on?"

I was upset after one of the guys gave his answer, and it's continued to bug me. He said, "Well, if she has a past, she has a past. And what she'd done in the past, she might do again."

I heard a quote today that really explained why that response unsettle me so much. "God does not care where you've been, but where you're going." Religion aside, for those that aren't really religious, even if I weren't really religious I'd still take these words to heart. It's just so... sad that someone would say right away that they would basically think someone with a past will repeat it. Sure, reality is that many do just that but do you really have to be waiting for them to slip?

Anyway, that was just on my mind today and I wanted to get it out.

I haven't heard of it, but it seems like a sensible method. Some of those things I do already. I could probably used much improvement on "Relaxation" and "Social", though.

well i've never been given meds specifically for anxiety, but the ones i am on have helped a little bit in a round about way. having a more stabilized mood and getting regular sleep helps me keep a clearer mind and a clearer mind helps focus on not freaking out as hard in situations. nothing huge, but a tiny help is nice.

Thanks, Becky

I was on meds and they helped. For me Prozac helped depression and xanax here and there helped anxiety. The Prozac may have helped some with my anxiety too.

Are you now, or have you ever been on medication for anxiety?

hi david

I have made tons of progress.. but I have also regressed all the way back and then some... I basically feel like I have to start all over..

Thanks!

finally i got to talk to my mom about what she did to me when I was a kid my parents both abused me physically,emotionally,verbally. I had tried to tell her about it before but whenever I tried to I'd get mad and start yelling even once she told me that I'm lying and she never did any of those but it was different this time she accepted it and said she's so sorry for that ,it made me feel a lil bit better I never got to talk to my jackass father though as a matter of fact he never talked to me even for 5 minutes in my whole life ,he used to beat the crap outta me when I was a kid anyways maybe my mom apologized cuz she knows I'm moving to another country soon I was gonna just disappear and forget about them but ever since she apologized I feel you know guilty she still tries to manipulate me and I know she ain't proud of me cuz I'm not what she expected me to be but she haven't given up on her dreams gahh am I responsible for her happiness?? why doesn't she accept me just the way I am?? she still don't understand me she never tried to, did I disappoint her?? I have every right to live my life the way I want it?? my dad don't give a sh*t at all but maybe my mom is the one who have to change?? but she's too old I don't expect her to ,ughhh I don't know what to do

I've never heard of it before. It sounds like a really good idea, especially for depression. I like when they have stuff like that broke down into little exercises that you can do. Thank you for sharing that!

I was on Lexapro for a such a short period of time I don't remember if there were any side effects. I went on it after having been on Paxil. The Paxil made me so tired I was sleeping all night and taking 2 naps during the day I switched to Lexapro but it didn't get any better.