Social Anxiety Blogs

Its funny, i sit here and think about how life works, and it seems like when you do nothing wrong, life takes a big steamy pile of shit on you.
Seems like thats all thats happening to me.
I dont get it, what did i do so wrong to have so many things in my life go so wrong.

I didn't even deserve any of this, maybe i did idk i might just be a bad horrible person. Yet the real bad people seem to get away with and prosper in life.
I guess thats how it works huh?

All i do now is spend my days wishing my anxiety doesn't get so bad, and i sit here and play Warcraft because i have nothing else to do.

I try to keep busy with work, but sometimes that doesn't help, i fall back into old habits, when i think i improved alot makes me think that i dont know if i can do this.

I start to talk to people, but at the same time i start falling back into the old habit of staying quiet and not talking to anyone.

I start to feel unworthy of friendships and companionship .
Then i start thinking, well if i was kept a secret for a year i must be a embarrassment then i start to feel not so good about myself again.

I think im just going backwards, and it sucks because i felt like i came along way only to realized that i probably didn't come far at all>

With the exception of a few things what really changed for me?
Im still back in the same place as i was a year and a half ago.
But this time im not talking to anyone that makes me feel good now im sitting here feeling lousy and wondering if i was ever loved to begin with.

And it makes me feel terrible about myself.

I think this video blog went pretty well, other than during the middle where I have longish pauses and I fail to remember a lot of the points I was trying to make. I will try to work more videos and still images into future video blogs if I can figure out how to do it.



Looking up from Middle Sister to Big Sister, which has been dusted with fresh snow

COP COUNT UPDATE -> 3,102.

I went to the Chinese buffet restaurant all by myself, again - I go a couple more times and then I get a free dinner .

Anyway, the only thing I need to blog about is that there was a couple sitting across from me where the lady was really outgoing with what she was saying, to the point where it was kind of nervewracking. She just got all mushy to the waiters about how her husband likes to watch football and that he has a fantasy league. Yeah, okay - I get the picture.

Lo and behold, a group of teens come in and, yes, they knew them. For the last 20 minutes of my meal, one of the kids sat directly behind me talking to them across from me, and I just wanted to eat. I kept looking straight ahead, even though I could not help but hear what they were saying. It made me uncomforable. I am glad I switched sides in the booth or I would have been facing them. I got my second plate of food and my dessert and they continued talking through that - about the couple's kids and this kid's older sister both dropping litters and how the babies are super size and out of control. I just wanted to get out of there, so I did. Even after the lady said twice that they need to get going - I left before they did.

I went shopping at K-mart and the grocery store before getting my car washed (at 10pm!) and going home.

This was after I went to the health food store for some Rescue Remedy to help with anxiety and the bookstore where I bought a kit on learning Hungarian. It has been quite a weekend so far despite having had an SA spike this week.

Today was windy and 70F/21c - not the best day to go to the beach, but it was sunny so I though "what the heck".

It was not the warmest day of the weekend so there were not a lot of people there, except for a gigantic family get together. A bunch of kids (weel 10 to 12) were trying to compete with each other in sandcastle wars. Those kids would not stop yelling and screaming. One girl said she was going to drown another kid in the lake. Two teen girls (one large, one skinny) were wrestling - yeah, and you know who wins - and yeah, the larger one sat on the skinnier one.

These kids were left unattended and it gave me panic attacks - the fear started messing with my mind - and I wanted to flee. I felt safer knowing that other people were there, even if they were strangers.

I also had no watch, so the only thing I had was my radio listening to the Reds game - they are going to win it all this year, by the way - eight games ahead of St. Louis in first place. BOOYA!

Anyway, I left after an hour and a half - the wind was starting to get to me, even though I liked laying out in the sun. I might just go back tomorrow.

Trying my best to clear my head off whenever my thoughts is taking over. Whenever i think people are conspiring to pleasure themselves out of my misery, i try my best to confront my fears inside my head, trying to nurse all the emotional scarring, i keep telling myself i'll be alright, just inhale and exhale and empty my mind or think about something else. There's nothing to be afraid of, i got nothing to loose but more to gain. As much as i dislike my life, being alone for the rest of my life, life must move on, no ones gonna be there to help me, but myself. So get up and finish what you've started.

As mentioned in my previous post, I've joined a dating site. Had a few nice exchanged, but they didn't go beyond one or two messages. Chatted a few times. I have been writing to this woman I rather like, at least from what I can tell from her profile and her messages. Because I found writing so easy, last week I had grown over-confident and asked if she wanted to meet sometime. She said sure, and we had a time and a place to meet for last thursday. I think we decided to meet on Monday. By Wednesday, I was a nervous wreck, but also kinda excited. Then I got a message from her canceling our meeting. It's amusing how both disappointed and elated I felt by the news.

By thursday night I was feeling bored, and thinking that meeting someone on a purely social occasion, though scary, was better than doing nothing. I had a rather long chat with her last night, and we have set up another time and place to meet. Feeling pretty fine with it right now, but Thursday night (we meet on friday) I'm going to be having that "Holy &%*! what on earth have I gotten myself into" feeling again. I'm confident that I won't chicken out or anything. I wrote in my other blog about all the things I'm nervous about, so I won't bother listing them here again. Of course this time we're going to meet at a place in the city unfamiliar to me, and when I do that I tend to freak out a bit about where I should park. Though I may be able to drive around there during the week after i volunteer, and sort of scout out the area. I hate parking on the street except for residential areas. I just don't want to get there on time, then have to spend fifteen minutes driving around trying to find a spot to squeeze my car into.

Here's a question I've been meaning to ask, and if I don't get many answers here I may post it in the forums: I am inexperienced at dating, and am mostly going to find socially normal people on the dating site I'm on. How early do you think I should bring up the fact that I don't work and live with my parents? I have my own money, so I don't need to date someone who will pay for everything, I have transportation, so it's not like I need to bum a ride from mom and dad.

For a long time I always assumed I'd find someone like me, or someone who was once like me, and would understand the condition of my life and be willing to see it past it to find out who I am as a person. Years of hoping I'd find such a person haven't worked, not just in this area but even a long distance friendship that could turn into more. I've come close, and in one or two cases I would write to someone that I wished I could get to know better, but didn't know how to keep the correspondence going. So I've never really thought about what it would be like to date a "norm."

Oh, the woman I'm going to meet knows I live with my parents, and she's okay with that, and I suspect she won't mind too much about my not having a job--that kind of goes along with living with the parents. Since I have money I wouldn't be a drain on her, and she's thinking long term about relationships, she has a couple of years before she's done with school and I'm confident that in two years I'll have a job at least.

But I can't assume that I'll meet her, sparks will fly, birds will sing, and we'll be together forever. So for future reference, I'd like to know what others with serious anxiety think of this problem. I didn't put this info on my profile, but when and how during the correspondence, or if we meet, do I reveal this stuff about me? It's actually a part of revealing that I have serious anxiety issues, but these are the two details of that I worry about the most.

Lately I've been feeling as if I need to prove something to the world. Life is giving me lemons and I just want to chuck them back and give them the bird.... Not that I make it a habit of flipping people off.

I just feel like all these eyes are on me, watching and waiting for me to do the "typical me" things, and screw everything up. I'm the sensitive one, the lonely one, the so quiet you can't tell she's there one. All I want to do is... something that will break me from the negative labels and turn my weaknesses into my strengths.

Ever since my roommate last brought up the subject of relationships, for examples, and that look she gave me when she said, "I know you said that you've never been in love." As if I'd said I'd never loved anyone. I've just wanted to show her somehow that I wasn't broken. In a way, to show myself that I wasn't either.

Well, that's it for today. I'm off to a terrifying experience in a few hours. Let's just say it involves face paint and school spirit.

Yesterday, I found out that the occupational therapist from hell has been discontinued by her supervisor from coming to our home again, luckily. I also talked to my mental health place twice (the crisis hotline which I hadn't called since August of '07, when I was about to kill myself), along with my therapist. I decided to stop seeing her & told her so. The last time I saw her she told me that I have no problems at all except for being pessimistic, not looking hard enough for a job, & not having social skills. The last part was right, I don't have social skills. But I was very optimistic for a long time. Though the last two years or so of life has made me pretty pessimistic (though not completely) through experience. Also, I spent nearly three years looking for a job with my vocational therapist. I applied to nearly every place around here that offered stocking & cleaning positions, but got none of them. Only one interview, which my vocational specialist had to go into with me because I was too scared to do it alone. I tried all of them at least two to three times a piece. I never applied for jobs at fast food places, etc. even thought those are the closest things I have a chance of getting, because those would be even more terrifying than the stocking positions would be.

What really mad me mad yesterday is when she told me that I am perfectly capable of holding a job & that it is not right of me to want to live off my moms SSI when I should be holding down a job & living in my own place & having my own life at my age. I could have killed her-- accusing me of living off of my moms SSI !!!! As I have told every therapist that I have had (3, so far), if it were possible for me to leave the house & hold a job, I would do it, but it's not. I would have had a job ten years ago or longer, if it were possible, but I can't do it. I told her again, of how I could not even handle leaving the house two days a week to take on campus classes. I tried that for two semesters & had to withdraw from classes both times because of it. But she still feels that I can hold down an eight hour a day, 5+ days a week job, somehow. (?????)

Overall, it was a horrible conversation with her doing nothing but insulting me & criticizing me & saying that I'm lazy & selfish & using my mom for her SSI check. She started that when I told her that these people have been trying to take her from home & put her in the nursing home. She asked me why it would upset me if she was put in a nursing home (????) Because I will not be able to see her again. I couldn't visit her for the entire three months she was gone from home this last time, except for the one time my dad came up from West Virginia to visit & took me to see her. She will be stuck there completely alone & I will be homeless because I have no way of monetarily supporting myself. That is when the insults of me using my mom for her SSI check began.

So, starting the end of this month, or next month, since my psychiatrist is leaving (something I was just informed of two days ago), I will have to see a new psychiatrist, as well as a new therapist. I am sure my new therapist will not understand my problems either. This one does not believe that I should have applied for SSI because she believes I am just too lazy to work & do not need it. I told her of how my last therapist, who I saw for two years, was the one who convinced me to apply because she feels that it's the best option in my position. My vocational specialist feels the same, & so does my aunt, who is the only person I have told other than my mother about me applying for SSI. My therapist will probably tell (if she hasn't already), the Social Security Administration that I just refuse to work, though I am perfectly capable of it, which is what she thinks. I hope they talk to my old therapist & my vocational specialist as well, to get the full story & the truth.

I hate being misunderstood by people. I hope she doesn't lower my chances even more of getting SSI because if I do get it, I will also get medical insurance, & then hopefully I can then go to a better mental health place that isn't paid for by the government & can get a proper diagnosis & maybe, finally, begin to receive the help that I need. I can't receive the right kind of help so long as I still hold the wrong diagnosis. Someday, I may be able to hold a job. I hope dearly for that. But that day is certainly not now, nor has it been for the last 28 years.

I don't even like french lol Anywho... It looks as though if we did this trip, it would just be 4 people. Me, another girl and her husband and a guy. :/ We need a bigger crowd i'm thinking. Especially because no one really knows anyone else. I don't know, if anyone cares to comment on the matter, i'm open to listen...starting to feel like it may be a lost cause for October. However, I do have more interests for Feb-March some time. It's a long time away, but gives people more time to gather the funds...

...I'm not sure how badly I screwed up...But I definately did...
The very thing I was afraid of happening at this job,the very reason I was apprehensive about it,and about being on first shift has happened this morning:
I encountered someone from my past...The worst one that I could encounter.

Backstory: This is a guy who took advantage of and exploited me while I was on the anti-psych meds years ago(you know,the ones that zombified me,ruined my metabolism, destroyed my memory,and led to alot of bad decisions)...He stole my prescription zanex,screwed me over,gave tripped out drug-people that he screwed over my home number(which meant crazed yelling on my answering machine at random times) and alot other things not mentioned...Towards the end,I had been taking the meds inconsistantly,and during a moment of brief clarity,I found out how he was and realized what he was doing...I wanted payback,but I knew that financial payback would only hurt someone else,because he would take it back from them....So I took the one thing he couldn't take from someone else: His relationship. I told his girlfriend about one of his cheating escapades. He ended up stabbing out all my tires,and blaming it on someone else.....That was 3 years ago,and was about 4 months before the final straw (my ex) which lead to me being housebound for over a year....

I wasn't wearing my nametag,was off the clock,and I was there grabbing a couple of things before I left(which I had been apprehensive of doing),so I wasn't wearing my normal sunglasses and hat...And..I saw him at a register. Then he saw me. Pretty sure he recognized me.

So many feelings,thoughts,and reactions took place in my head at that brief moment:
First,'Ah &%#@,is that who I think it is?..Damn,he sees me...I'm wanna &%#@ kill him...AH DAMMIT..I'm at my workplace...I CAN'T confront him here,DAMMIT!DAMMIT!DAMMIT!...I've got to avoid him for now...'
So i keep walking to another aisle,and decide what to do...I'm having complicated emotions,lots of anxiety,and a fair bit of rage. I start to think that I should go to the back and wait before leaving so he won't see what I'm driving,but then i assumed he might be waiting outside to confront me(stupid assumption) and determined that I could get by with it in the parking lot if I played my cards right,and charged out the door as soon as I could...
Of course...He wasn't anywhere to be seen... Either he bailed,or he waited in a vehicle to see what I was driving...

I realized quickly that I had f@#$ed up again by coming out,because he wouldn't have confronted me directly anyway;he'd just stab out tires or break windows... I don't know whether he recognized me as an employee or not...It could've been either way,since i was wearing jeans,but the color t-shirt that they wear at walmart...I hate not knowing,and now I have to worry about my only vehicle getting messed up.

So..I've had a bit of a freakout today...My vision of what would happen if I encontered him again? Shattered by my circumstances. I've wanted so badly to hurt him for years,yet i could never garantee that my social anxiety wouldn't stop me from doing it...But my hands were tied anyway...


I blame todays event on myself. I got complacent because things were going well,and ignored the risks of being in that store outside of night hours. This kind of crap is the reason I have been shopping out of area so much. I feel so stupid. So very,very stupid. I should seriously slap the crap out of myself atleast once today...

This is all so complicated...I really don't need this drama....I've got so many feelings and I don't know what to do with it right now...So I'm drinking a bit. At 9am. Cheers.

Never give up.....

We got some good news today. The OT (occupational therapist) is no longer going to be coming here. Yesterday, she overstepped her boundaries in the biggest possible way. I reported her to her supervisor, to no avail, at first. But then, I came downstairs after she had left & saw what she had done to our walls & was furious. My mom was upset. She said she kept telling the OT she did not want her to do what she was doing & kept telling her to stop, but she continued anyway. So, I called the supervisor again & told her what the OT did to our wall, along with all the other stuff she'd done, which I had told her of earlier, but she had paid no attention to (climbing into our window because my mom was asleep when she got here, throwing away our clothes, not allowing me to throw away a broken table that we do not want or need, taking our dry clean only couch cover to wash in her washer at her house, without permission-- among other things). She said that she would have to hear from my mom herself that she didn't like what the therapist was doing & that she didn't want her to come here again. My mom even told the OT while she was here that she wanted her to leave & not come back, but the OT just kept saying that eventually all the stuff she was doing would grow on my mom & she would learn to like it. She also said that my mom was perfectly fine & compliant & loving all the stuff that was being done, until I came around & then my mom would suddenly have a problem with it. That definitely was not the case at all because once yesterday while the OT was here, my mom came up to my room to get me to tell me to make her stop doing what she was doing. Then, she called me a little later for the same reason & had me come downstairs again. If my mom was only acting upset when I was around & was perfectly happy with what was being done, why would she have kept asking me to talk to the OT to tell her to stop, since she wasn't being listened to?

Yesterday, when I told the OT that I was reporting her, she said that if I did report her & if we made her stop coming, my mom would get sent to a nursing home. The supervisor told me that that was an absolute lie & that it isn't even in their power to send someone to a nursing home, but it would be up to Adult Protective Services & that they had no reason to even call APS on us. She told me that she had told the OT to stop telling us that because it was a lie.

Anyway, my moms physical therapist came here today & as soon as he saw our walls my mom said he was shocked & asked what happened. My mom told him it was the OT, & told him of everything she's been doing that she had no permission to do & how she wouldn't stop doing after being asked & told to. He must have called the OT's supervisor (which was also his own supervisor) after he left & told her of what she had done to our wall & that my mom did not want her back in our house & of how upset it was making her. The supervisor was supposed to have called my mom while he was there but never did, so when I got home from the grocery store, I called her myself. That's when she told me that she spoke to the physical therapist & he told her how upset the OT had been making my mom & of how bizarre her behavior had been & of what she did to our wall. Even he said it was ugly & couldn't believe she would have done such a thing. So, the supervisor said that she will no longer be coming to our home.

We're both thrilled about that, which I'm sure anyone who has read any of my last few blogs will realize. She's been causing so much stress for both of us. I asked the supervisor about our couch cover that the OT still has. She says she will probably have the OT give it to the physical therapist the next time he comes, which will be Tuesday. She also said that he (the physical therapist volunteered to paint over our wall where the OT ruined it. I'm not exactly sure what he's going to do, but even if he just puts more brown paint over the words, we'd rather have brown splotches on our walls than giant ugly words. The supervisor also told us that if the landlord tries to take this out of our security deposit, to contact her & they will take care of it. Personally, I think it should come out of the OT's paycheck, seeing as how she's the one who's done it.

Here are pictures I took of what she did to our wall yesterday. Everyone who's seen it so far has thought it was horrible, which makes me happy lol, because I'm glad it's not just me & my mom. Maybe she thought she was being artistic or something, but give me some paint & I can make our house look a million times better than the crap she did to our wall.











Literally, each word is 1 1/2 to 2 feet long, & each letter is 6 to 10 inches high. How a person can think it's perfectly acceptable to go into another's house & do this crap is beyond me.

I've had a pretty good thing with my job in the last year and a half. But I'm in a bit of a bind now. My boss increased my hours with caring for her mom, who has senile dementia. So now it went to 4 days a week that I watch her. Unbelievably difficult. I can't imagine actually caring for my own aged parent if they had that. I understand from what others say that she was sort of bull-headed and strong-willed before she became ill. But really, she's impossible sometimes. The other week she fell while under my care, fortunately she didn't hurt herself, but I felt partly responsible because she was really exasperating me and I went ahead of her instead of helping her past the cobblestone with her walker, which I normally do. I took her things to the car and then next thing I know, she's screaming on the ground. She fell into some plants in the garden, so no injuries. But the other day we were leaving and we got past the cobblestone, and she has already asked me 2 or 3 times if the door is locked... "are you sure?" yes, i say... "you checked it? because ive had my house broken into before and these people [her family] dont always lock the door." yes, I just locked it and checked it, it's locked, i promise... "are you sure?" YES, "would you just check it for me please while I watch you? I've gotta know it's locked." Meanwhile I'm standing there with 20 pounds of her stuff carried over my arms and in my hands, but I feel forced to comply with her OCD demands because I know her well enough to know that if I didn't do it, she would forget she couldn't walk and try to run to the door herself and check it, and fall, again. So as exasperated and angry as I am (and I'm only at the end of my rope because this type of thing happens very regularly, I do it, and I say "you're trying me, Lillian. You're trying me." I just feel manipulated and I don't like that feeling. I grew up feeling that way, and in the past 2 months I've realy gotten a lot of stuffed down feelings out about that. And I don't want any more of it.

So I told my boss today that I would like to take less Lillian time and more time at the store... but she said she doesn't need anymore help at the store. So me reducing my hours with Lillian is going to greatly affect how well I can pay my bills... really with what I make now I cut it close, and just cutting out 3 hours a week (not that much out of 17) will set me back $120 a month... and I really feel the need to cut back even more. So... I'm going to look for another part time job to fill in for it. And then hopefully take out Lillian care completely. It's just too hard for me, I've tried everything I could think of to try and deal with it better. I just can't. I find myself physically shaking and speechless and bursting with resentment on a regular basis... and that's not good for anyone. Not for me, and not for Lillian.

Today on the phone she called the store looking for her daughter who wasn't there. She was convinced she was supposed to come into work today and thought she was waiting on someone to pick her up. I told her I didn't know where her daughter was but I stayed on the phone with her and talked to her anyways cuz I could tell she was anxious. I told her I didn't think she was supposed to come today, and told her to go find Zac who was staying there with her today... so she told me 'Well you're no help!" I said, "Lillian, I am trying to help you the best I can. If that's not good enough for you, well then I'm sorry." Then I interrupted whatever she said next and said, "OK, bye" and hung up. Then my boss walked in after that, and just then the phone rings again, and I know it's her. I was shaking and speechless, so I told my boss to get the phone, like, "can you get that please?"!!! OMG! I thought, woah, she could see that as disrespectful... kinda sounded like I was trying to be HER boss! LOL But she was just like, 'Oh are you on your break?" haha I was really surprised she didn't react negatively but she didn't sweat it. Maybe I should do that more when I feel overwhelmed. I usually try to cater to her always because she's my boss. Oh and then lillian called back again to apologize to me, and she didn't really remember what had happened but she knew that something was amiss and that she must have said something wrong from the feeling she had. She really is a sweet lady sometimes. Growing old is a bitch.

Anyway, yes, just that bit of conflict with Lillian and her being so "horrible" as I sometimes tell her that I wish she would just let me help her instead of being so... "horrible" for lack of a better word... and yeah I've stopped feeling bad about being more open with her about that, because otherwise I would have blown my brains out a while back. It really is hard to deal with someone like that on an everyday basis. You'd never know it until you had to. When I first met her I thought she was the sweetest old lady I ever met. Despite how difficult I could see she was at times, I felt like her sweet personality made up for it. But when you deal with that day after day, it's just sooo wearing and exhausting and... horrible. You kind of have to let the person in on how much they are taxing you, or you might feel like an actual slave, with her standing over you holding the whip. Seriously.

Anyway, that's the state of my existence right now. I wish I had a friend I could call up on the phone and talk to like this. This seems like the wrong place to put all of these details of my day. BUT anyway, thanks for reading, if you got this far... I'm currently sitting in my car, in a hotel parking lot, leeching the free WIFI, it's actually really relaxing. I don't mind not having internet at my place. I will find some more spots along this strip, because a lot of places here offer free wifi and I need to rotate spots so not to be a menace (or get noticed). Peace.

Today I went and met with a local independent game developer. I feel it went very well. From the work I showed the CEO, he said he could tell I have a passion for it. He said my getting a job was a "maybe". He also said that all the people currently working there were a 'maybe' as well. He said he said "no" straight out to people with college degrees in the area of work. so I have that much.

Here's hoping...

I'm so tired of nothing but bad things happening all the time. Not only do I have to deal with occupational therapist until she decides she'll stop coming here, but now my psychiatrist is leaving & I won't even get to see him again. I have things I need to talk to him about-- not a complete stranger. He's also supposed to be the best doctor they have there & I couldn't even make him understand my problems, so how am I supposed to make someone else understand? Even though anxiety & panic, etc. are some of my main issues, he didn't even treat that for like a year & a half.

He diagnosed me with bipolar disorder & thought that I was only afraid of leaving the house & of being around people because I was in a depressive state when I first saw him. He thought my anxiety was caused by the bipolar disorder, even though I've had this anxiety & have been afraid of being around people & out of my comfort zone my whole life. However, even though the depression completely lifted after I was given Lamictal --a mood stabilizer--(it was 100% gone for at least six months or longer), I was still too afraid to leave the house or be around people. I still missed appointments over that constantly, but he still never dealt with my anxiety until right before I started school in '09, which was one year & four & a half months after I started seeing him.

He put me on a very low dose of Klonopin, which did virtually nothing at all until nearly a year after I started taking it. All it did was make me less jumpy at noises I heard outside (car doors, people talking, etc.) & make them a little less noticeable. But it did nothing to make it easier for me to leave the house or to talk to people, or for my anxiety in general. It finally started helping a little around the end of Winter or beginning of Spring, but it still didn't do much. Even though he knew it wasn't really helping & I wasn't getting any better, he never did anything about it. Finally, the last time I saw him, in April or May, I specifically asked for a dosage increase which he, luckily, gave me with no problem. Now, he has me taking 1mg twice daily. It still does not do much good, but I do notice a slight difference between when I have it & when I don't. It's especially good when I'm starting to have a panic or anxiety attack. It calms me down a little quicker. Once, maybe a month ago, I was absolutely terrified to leave the house. I took one & within half an hour felt I could leave. I was still scared, but not as scared & I actually did it. Without the med, I would have never been able to leave the house at all.

I'm afraid of getting stuck with another psychiatrist who will focus on the bipolar only & nothing else. Even though the bipolar is the least of my problems. Most people with bipolar disorder are able to have productive lives-- I am not. I wanted to talk to my doctor & tell him that I haven't been taking my lithium because it only ever made me feel worse, but I won't be able to tell him now & the new doctor could just think I'm a horrible person who doesn't follow doctors orders, which isn't true at all. I'm also afraid the new doctor will change all of my meds or give me another diagnosis that's even more wrong than the diagnosis of bipolar may be. I've been thinking for a while now that I may very well not even be bipolar. Even though it does fit in a few ways, I've realized that my moods directly correlate with the anxiety & stress I have in my life, & with events that happen, among other reasons, & now I won't even be able to talk to him about the possibility of me maybe having been misdiagnosed.

I read a book about bipolar disorder written by a doctor at John's Hopkins & it said that mood stabilizers only work for those who are bipolar which is one of the reasons I assumed I must have actually been bipolar, because the Lamictal drastically helped. But I have recently come to realize that mood stabilizers are beneficial to people with a lot of other disorders-- not just bipolar disorder, so that doctor was giving misinformation in his book.

I'm so incredibly depressed right now & so incredibly overwhelmed with everything that's going on & if I had a quick, easy, & painless way of killing myself right now, I would definitely do it. I just can't take this useless, pointless life anymore. I know it would probably hurt my mom, & I would really worry about my cats, but I can't take this anymore. It's one thing after another. Nothing ever gets any better & people will not stay out of my house. Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. If they put my mom back into a nursing home for good, anyway, there will be no reason for me to be alive, anyway. I will never be able to see mom again. I will have no transportation to the nursing home. I have no income to take care of myself & will be homeless once they put her there. I will probably be denied for SSI so that's definitely going to do no good. I need a way to take care of myself & a way to be away from all this drama ASAP, but that's just not possible. I really hate my life & hate the fact that everyone else has things so much easier. They're able to have jobs, lives, friends, they have families who support them, & all I have is my mom who could probably care less about me. She just likes me purely & only because she's so dependent on me. I doubt she even loves me at all. I have no friends & no one else who would even miss me. Some people online might feel bad at first, but they'd quickly forget about me, as would everyone else who ever knew me at all. I'm so tired of thinking about suicide, but it seems the only option. It's the only way to stop having to deal with all this mess. The only good way to do it would be by getting in a car, putting something in the muffler, & letting it happen via carbon monoxide, but that can't happen because, unfortunately, I have no car at all.

The occupational therapist was here again today & had my mom crying hysterically. My mom actually came upstairs to tell me to come downstairs to talk to the therapist because she started painting our walls. I know my landlord is going to take that out of our security deposit. It would have been a miracle if we had gotten it back anyway, but he will definitely not give it back to us now which will make it even harder for us to move.

I called & reported the occupational therapist for the things she was doing yesterday, as well as for the things she was doing today. That did no good. They didn't even reprimand her. All they did was tell her to continue to do what she's doing & to back off a little. To her, that means nothing. She threatened my mom with a nursing home numerous times today, because my mom wanted her to leave. But she said that if she leaves, she will see to it that my mom gets taken from here & put into a nursing home for good. I told her supervisor that, along with how she took our couch cover (& still has not brought it back), came in through our closed window yesterday because my mom was tired & didn't hear her knocking & she got in no trouble for it at all. Then my mom called me from her phone to have me come downstairs again to talk to her. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But i did it anyways because my mom was crying. I tried to explain to that lady how upset she was making my mom (who was crying right there) & the occupational therapist blamed me for it. What????? My mom came upstairs crying & telling me what the lady was doing, then she called me crying for the same thing, but somehow, although i was upstairs trying to avoid that lady, I am to blame for my mom being so upset?????

There's absolutely nothing I can do at this point. I've already turned her in to no avail & I don't know what else to do. They're still letting her come here. She's still going to be turning our lives upside down & still going to make me & my mom feel like hell & cause us both unneeded stress. She told me today that I need to leave the house on the Tuesdays & Thursdays she's here so that I won't be involved in anything & my mom can't call me if she's having a problem with something that's being done. She's completely disrespecting my mom by coming into her house & doing things my mom tells her not to do. But, she wants me out of my own house just so my mom can't tell me about the things she's doing while she's here. When I told her I have no where to go, she goes "Well, don't you have a job??," as if that's any of her business at all. I told her No, I don't have a job & she asked why, as if that's any of her business. I told her the truth: That I have agoraphobia & am afraid of leaving the house & it's very hard for me to talk to & deal with people. I told her that's why I don't like having people here & that's why I try to stay in my room when they are here. Of course, that's probably just going to go against me. That will probably make me look even worse & more unfit to take care of my mom. She said she'll be coming here for a couple more weeks, but she's been saying that for two weeks & is still here. I just want her to go away & so does my mom. She's doing nothing but making things more stressful for the both of us.

Barring unforseen complications and/or drama,I think I'm going to like this job.

MUCH more laid back than I would have expected. The shift manager just points you in the direction,and does his own thing. I was left alone to the point that it became a problem,lol... If it weren't my first day at it,it wouldn't be any problem,but eh...Its not a bad indication whatsoever,but I expected a bit more 'guiding' my first time at it.

There definately will be a couple arses in the group that'll talk among themselves about me,but with the policy in regards to that sort of thing there,that's probably all it will ever be... I was surpisingly left completely alone by the other employees too...Not at all what I expected. Maybe I'm freaky to them,who knows They can't say anything without risking some sort of punishment.

Well,it was a pretty good night,aside from the times I got frustrated because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Customer interaction was extremely limited. Only thing thats bothering me at the moment is not getting told more...That won't even be an issue once I've been there about a week though.

Well,I'm tired...Gonna wind down now and get rested for another go...I'll feel alot better once I've got a sleep schedule down again.

When I was younger a group of girls my age got to ask a panel of "eligible bachelors" questions about relationships, love, etc. I can't remember much about a lot of it, but one questions has stuck out through all these years. One girl ask, "What if a girl has a past, but she's moved on?"

I was upset after one of the guys gave his answer, and it's continued to bug me. He said, "Well, if she has a past, she has a past. And what she'd done in the past, she might do again."

I heard a quote today that really explained why that response unsettle me so much. "God does not care where you've been, but where you're going." Religion aside, for those that aren't really religious, even if I weren't really religious I'd still take these words to heart. It's just so... sad that someone would say right away that they would basically think someone with a past will repeat it. Sure, reality is that many do just that but do you really have to be waiting for them to slip?

Anyway, that was just on my mind today and I wanted to get it out.

finally i got to talk to my mom about what she did to me when I was a kid my parents both abused me physically,emotionally,verbally. I had tried to tell her about it before but whenever I tried to I'd get mad and start yelling even once she told me that I'm lying and she never did any of those but it was different this time she accepted it and said she's so sorry for that ,it made me feel a lil bit better I never got to talk to my jackass father though as a matter of fact he never talked to me even for 5 minutes in my whole life ,he used to beat the crap outta me when I was a kid anyways maybe my mom apologized cuz she knows I'm moving to another country soon I was gonna just disappear and forget about them but ever since she apologized I feel you know guilty she still tries to manipulate me and I know she ain't proud of me cuz I'm not what she expected me to be but she haven't given up on her dreams gahh am I responsible for her happiness?? why doesn't she accept me just the way I am?? she still don't understand me she never tried to, did I disappoint her?? I have every right to live my life the way I want it?? my dad don't give a sh*t at all but maybe my mom is the one who have to change?? but she's too old I don't expect her to ,ughhh I don't know what to do

Until recently, I have always thought that I wanted my situation to be different. Now I can see, that regardless of the situation I am still me. So now, instead of wanting to change my situation, it's much more about wanting to change the person that I am. I don't see this happening anytime soon.

I think the worst thing about my SA is coping with embarrassment. I can fix the voice shaking with propranolol and I'm not completely hopeless at making conversation (but close). I just can't deal with the blushing and the awkwardness that follows. I think a LOT about what people think about me and I don't know how to snap out of that. My course really highlights my anxiety issues and I understand that a lot of students who don't have SA will also be embarrassed sometime in this course. (medicine) I just cannot and don't know how to deal with it. Last year I was so shamed by something that I found myself sitting on the bedroom floor with a handful of pills to swallow. It's awful I know, but when those things happen I literally feel like I have no escape.

This year I am aware that I won't have time to reboot, so to speak. It's a very busy year and I am so scared about where I'll find myself. Worst scenario would be feeling like I can't return to face people who witnessed my embarrassing moment, then me resorting to something that I wouldn't be able to undo.

As for quitting my course, which would almost definately solve a lot of my current problems. It would also open up a whole new set of problems along with my current SA problems. My parents being the main one. The money. The job. The expectation. I could go on.

I don't know if anyone feels like this. Best way I can describe it, is feeling like I'm trapped in a narrow corrider with just enough space to breathe. Something is pushing me, forcing me forward but it hurts to even move. If I stop, it would keep pushing with so much force I would eventually fall.

Sorry if this is depressing, I'm not even usually this person. I just have been dreading this year (3rd)since I found myself doing medicine. I am more worried about this than anything I have ever done in my life, mostly because of what I'm afraid the outcome might be.

I did the orientation at walmart today. I'm still frazzled and kind of in shock... It was just one big barrage of info,and I've been horribly self-conscious all day...The good is that i didn't have to deal with any customers whatsoever,and thus negated the ability of someone from the past showing up and wrecking my nerves....The bad is that two people I used to work with years ago are employees there on day-shift...One I don't mind,and the other is one I got into a high-decibal fuss with at my first job over 9 years ago...I managed to avoid both though because i really couldn't handle it today.

I'm having to get used to not having a hat Kinda sensitive with that,but hopefully it wont be an issue...Atleast I'm allowed jeans and normal shirts(albiet the proper color) due to my position. I must say I'm kinda impressed with the general approach and attitude of the place so far...My understanding is that they've structured this store's personnel differently than previous ones in the area.

Turns out this one retired guy that was doing the orientation was someone who worked at my last long-term place...Actually had a very brief talk about that,for some reason senior citizens don't bother me as much SA-wise I'm certain I had talked to him during shift change a few times years ago...Of course,that was about the extent of my talking today,and there wasn't much to say outside of that....Aside from the going around the room and telling a bit about yourself part....That was horrible and awkward.

While everyone else was talking about themselves....I felt so alien in comparison. Its like they're living life on a completely different scale and set of rules. I have no intention of marriage or kids,and I know many people look down on that...I just want to fill my life with art,music,etc,and I want to move to a location that I can explore these things to the fullest. The rest simply isn't for me. Anyway...

One major convienience is that they load my pay into a debit account by default,which is saving me an assload of stress and potential annoyance of doing it myself...A major downside is that I'm paid every two weeks...Could be awkward to manage. I'm digging the concept of an hour lunch,though I can't imagine being able to do much in a small town at 2am.

The thing that hit me worst,simply because I hoped otherwise,was that i'd have to be there 6 months before any kind of insurance kicks in...Sigh.
I've got to get to a dentist soon,so I guess it will have to come 100% out of pocket. Not to mention some basic doctor stuff....Bah...I had hoped for something,anything,at 90 days or so. I've got to break away from the ways that my mom put in my head and life,and get going on this medical stuff...

Tomorrow night,i get on my normal,3rd shift hours. I still haven't met anyone on that shift,or know the extent of my job...Gonna be awkward switching sleep times for the 2nd time in as many days,and I've got to work out my 5-meal diet around this new timeframe too...But its all for a good cause I suppose.

I'll be up most if not all of the night tonight to adjust for third shift...Should be interesting