Social Anxiety Blogs

"Pathetic". That's what my husband called me yesterday, when I refused to put on a pair of shorts and swim in the river with my family. He also called me a "killjoy, rediculous", and some other hurtful things, while he's trying to force me to "lighten up". I'm very self concious of my body and even more so since I can't seem to lose the weight I gained when I was pregnant with my last son. He caused an embarrassing scene while I'm sitting in a lawn chair crying in front of his sister-in-law and her husband, and my children. I'm so mad at him and he just doesn't understand why.

So there have been a couple changes in my life since my last entry. I had my first counseling session. I guess it went okay. They're going to put me on medication. I don't know what, because I can't get in to see the doctor untill september. I've gone 27 years without it, so I guess I can wait a little longer. I really hope with the counseling and the meds, there will be an improvement.

Once again my husband is leaving me at home with the kids. I realize he doesn't need to take me everywhere he goes, but I'm so lonely and he's the only person I have to talk to. Actually lately I feel like I can't even talk to him. This is my situation...I'm living in a house full of my husband's family. This would be a completely miserable situation even if they were relatively normal. They all add just a little bit of their own drama to the house. Every one of them has said some awful things to my face and behind my back.

So...I had my first appointment, which is the intake appointment. This is where they sit me down, ask me a ton of questions to asess whether or not I need help. I do not have insurance and not the kind of income that can just pay for regular visits, but luckily they have a program for low income. After telling my life story, the very nice lady that I was talking to, lets me know that the state will not cover social anxiety. After my heart sank and I'm feeling like an idiot, she tells me they do cover depression though.

Today I made my first appointment to get some counseling. I'm so nervous. The thought of telling a complete stranger the story of my life is terrifying. I hope this won't be a waste of my time. I really do kinda have my hopes up that this is the beginning of a time of healing. Not only for my social anxiety, but also for some traumatic events that happened to me when I was a little girl. None of my "family" then thought healing was necessary.

Lately all I want to do is sleep. Not something I can really do since I have two young sons. I've been trying to avoid life. I don't want to be around anyone. I try to be a good mom, but this thing that's got a hold on me is interfering a little.

Lately I've realized that I've become more and more angry with other people and myself. I let people walk all over me and never say anything because I'm scared of what they might think or what the consequences might be. It builds up for so long and then one day I'll just explode. I get raging mad to the point where I'm shaking and my heart feels like its going to explode. I have tunnel vision and I cant remember much of what was said after its all over with.

My husband and I are completely opposite from eachother. I wish so much that I could be more like him. He's so outgoing and carefree at times. The type of person who always has a quick come back. In a way that makes us perfect for eachother. When I can't stand up for myself, he has no problem standing up for me. When I can't seem to push myself out into the world, he's there to give me the nudge I need. He has become my security blanket and I don't know what I would do without him.

So...this is my first blog...ever. Totally freaked out just writing this.

I'm 27 years old. Married and have two kids. I never thought I'd be married, but it's been over a year now.