Social Anxiety Blogs

why does everything have to be so "complicated"...or shall I say why is everything in my life in mumble-jumble and so complicated..?Just makes everything 10x times harder..

bye for now..

So...I had my first appointment, which is the intake appointment. This is where they sit me down, ask me a ton of questions to asess whether or not I need help. I do not have insurance and not the kind of income that can just pay for regular visits, but luckily they have a program for low income. After telling my life story, the very nice lady that I was talking to, lets me know that the state will not cover social anxiety. After my heart sank and I'm feeling like an idiot, she tells me they do cover depression though.

hm....posting my first blog here, well not exactly a blog but I just wanted to start off by saying" hi"~~
I hope I can post my thoughts/feelings and update it as much as I can.
See ya later~~

God Bless~~

Longing
to belong
but misunderstood
Wanting to be a part
not really knowing how

Quiet by default
with lots of things to say
trapped inside
begging to get out
Speak Child!
Let the world hear your voice...
JUmbLeD MEss
Oops...
Shutting Down

Today I made my first appointment to get some counseling. I'm so nervous. The thought of telling a complete stranger the story of my life is terrifying. I hope this won't be a waste of my time. I really do kinda have my hopes up that this is the beginning of a time of healing. Not only for my social anxiety, but also for some traumatic events that happened to me when I was a little girl. None of my "family" then thought healing was necessary.

So..this is to clear my thoughts. No ego :0

Why was I born into a world where I am forced to do things that I dislike, and generally suffer so much? Why do I feel like a failure if I don't feel like living up to other people's expectations; if I don't go after the stereotypical "good" ending - I must be strong, I must endure, I must: Be a good person, work hard, be organized, be passionate and happy and find a good career, overcome all depression and anxiety..?

My mom works as an assistant administrator for an old folks home for those old people that can still live independently and are mentally stable. I've had some correspondence with one of them who gave me a fascinatingly accurate read of my personality by observing my handwriting, and recently she has sent me a printed book in a blue duotang that she feels will help me deal with my anxiety disorder.

Lately all I want to do is sleep. Not something I can really do since I have two young sons. I've been trying to avoid life. I don't want to be around anyone. I try to be a good mom, but this thing that's got a hold on me is interfering a little.

I am somewhat of a normal functioning SA sufferer. I can leave the house, talk on the phone, and engage in small talk better than it seems some of my co-workers...I work in radio so I could not have gotten this far if I was as bad as some SA sufferers. However, if you wanted to make a seperate diagonsis for Avoidant Personality Disorder, this describes me to a tee. I feel special in a strange way they have a disorder especially for me.

1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection