Social Anxiety Blogs

Well, I had a blog entry all typed out and my browser took a dump so I'll try to remember what I had here a little while ago...

As I had mentioned in my last entry, I thought I would be able to get away without dealing with deep depression this time around but that wasn't the case. I kind of bottomed out yesterday. I slept most of the day and woke up crying (not a usual thing for me...).

My best friend, who was supposed to have left to go home yesterday, decided to hang around because I couldn't stop crying. Oddly too, it wasn't like I was having a breakdown, just that, as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop tearing up. I'm not fond of crying in front of anyone, including my best friend so, deep down inside, I really wanted him to leave or at least not make a point of sitting with me, even though I knew that he was trying to comfort me. I appreciated that deeply but at the same time, I got the feeling that he would have rather been doing something else... like driving home.

The only thing that really stopped me from continuing to cry was distracting myself by watching movies. The moment a movie stopped, I started crying all over again. I honestly can't recall what I was feeling at that time either.Although, most of the time, it's hard for me to recall that sort of thing as my emotions are usually all bundled up together anyway....

When I woke up yesterday, the overwhelming feeling of sadness was on me and it hasn't quite left me. It's slightly better than yesterday but... it's still there. Today, the feelings of worthlessness are more 'there' than the sadness. I wish I could sleep the rest of my life away.

More than a little disconcerting is that I feel increasingly disoriented and confused. Things that I'm sure that I've done, I really haven't, I'm tired all the freakin' time and I really just want to be left alone. Thankfully, I don't have people knocking down my door to see me so that's a blessing in and of itself. I wish I could lay down now but I know that if I do, I'll end up sleeping the rest of the day away and most of the night.... not that this matters much.