Social Anxiety Blogs

This is the first time I've ever written or really talked about SA, with anyone other than my fiance. Things have gotten really bad recently, and so I guess I'm feeling desperate at this point. In the past I have been too uncomfortable to even blog.

I've never been clinically diagnosed, but at this point I dont even think I need to, because I'm so sure that it's SA and general anxiety. I've read so many books on the topic and I feel everyone of them describes my symptoms exactly. I've been dealing with this for over 6 years now and it's just progressively getting worse. I go through periods where I feel like i have it under control only to have it come back so intensley that it just destroys any ounce of confidence that I felt I had gained. I feel that it has robbed me of so much, mostly my self-esteem. I look back on the person I was before I had SA and I dont even recognize that person. I'm really not living the life I would be if it werent for SA.

As of late, I'm having trouble sleeping, eating, and even getting physically ill from the stress/anxiety I'm experiencing. My fiance always wants to know what it is that's making me anxious, and to be honest sometimes I just dont know...there is nothing that I can pinpoint as to why I'm feeling so anxious...It's this all encompasing feeling that just takes over. Even as I'm writing, I was hoping to alleviate some of the anxiety that I'm feeling but it's not helping.

Other times it's certian social situations or specific people; especially people in authority. Currently, I'm really having a hard time because I'm the maid of honor in my best friends wedding and I cannot stop obsessing about the toast that I have to give. There will be over 300 people there. Anyone dealing with SA knows how frightening this type of situation can be. I just feel so trapped.

I'm also getting married and I feel that the SA is ruining this experience for me. I'm very stressed about the big day and being the center of attention. With so much attention focued on me, I'm afraid that I'm going to have a panic attack as I'm walking down the aisle or when talking to guests.

I've never felt like I could talk to anyone about this, not even my family, for the fear that when I do they will always be analyzing me. Plus, I'm embarrassed. I at times try to overcompensate for what I'm feeling by acting overtly happy or always trying to be funny. I just cant keep up the facade any longer.

I really dont know what I hope to get from posting this blog. I know there is no quick fix to my problem, if there is even a fix at all. I guess I'm just feeling so low right now and depressed and I just want to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through.

Today is my birthday and I couldnt even enjoy it. I'm just really upset right now. I hope I'm not giving anyone the impression that I'm suicidal that's certainly not the case, I'm just really fed up and I need help, so I'm finally reaching out.

I guess I would like to know if I decided to see a therapist, if anyone could offer any suggestions because it's all so confusing. There are couselors, therapists, psychatrists so I dont even know where to begin.

If you're reading this, thanks for you time. It's nice to finally be heard.