Social Anxiety Blogs

wow, i just spent three months in los angeles dealing with real life problems. i mean, problems of life and death. i didn't feel this way. i felt useful. i was afraid, i cried often, but it was something more solid, more concrete.

but i come back here to and being in school triggers anxiety that is absolutely out of proportion to its importance. i shouldn't be surprised. this isn't a new pattern. in fact, i think this is one of my most basic patterns. still, i can't think or sleep. i don't feel right.

there's the inner monologue, there are replays of everything i say or do "wrong". it's incredible. it just won't stop. i'm not sure where to find help for this or what to do. i used to take anti-obssessionals for this kind of stuff.

i'm not feeling very articulate right now, and that's part of the issue. i feel profoundly misunderstood. my communication skills fail me in public. but i think what is most important is that i don't know how to explain this crap that happens to me at 2 am, 6 am, etc.

it try to tell myself not to worry. i really admire those who don't care how they're interpreted at first. i think that only time will really tell where someone's coming from. i don't know why i'm so bothered that no one knows where i'm coming from. i mean, what do i expect other people to do??

yeah, i don't feel appreciated or understood, but that's not anyone else's job to make me feel that way. wisdom tells me that its a more common experience to be misinterpreted and i can't understand why i'm so dependent and so shocked its happening.

i feel like i only get one chance to define myself to the public, and that my inability to do so properly dictates what kind of opportunities i get and i feel pretty shafted.

yes, so maybe all this replay really has significance. i do, in fact, feel left out from actual opportunities which would mean more enriching experiences, more money, more support. and maybe it really does have something to do with my inability to communicate succinctly and accurately on the spot. and maybe that's why i wake up in the wee hours of the morning replaying what i said "wrong". i just don't feel like i get the opportunities i should.

but the rest of my self doesn't *****ing care. it's sick of the part of me that's obsessed with social interaction, appreciation and opportunity. it tries to tell me that more attention is NOT what i want because i'll have lots of things i don't feel like doing foisted upon me.

clearly, i'm very confused. i really wish i had someone to tell me what all this is called, what it's all about. i feel so muddled and lost in my own maze.

i don't know what to call this all consuming early morning rumination/replay/paranoia/preoccupation/one eye turned inward/self-battering. i wish someone would put it more elegantly. i need to name it, i need to know what this all is.

i don't even know where to post about it. this is so common. not words, it's visuals... scenes. i wake up talking to someone who isn't there, from a scene that happened they day before. why??? and i feel like i'm "in trouble" from that interaction. why???

what is this??

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