Social Anxiety Blogs

I’ve been extremely melancholy. Some old music triggered memories. I’ve been thinking of my Dad, yes I have one, on rare occasion when I mention him people are surprised, just like if I mention I have a brother “I didn’t know that, you never talk about him, I knew you had a sister.” Well, we all have our reasons.

My dad had a persona, he was much like Johny Cash, not in looks but in attitude, right is right, wrong was wrong, black and white, this is the way it is, don’t like it, too bad.
I’m often told I have something “About me” oh, not my dad’s persona that’s for sure. He was a large man, very tall, dark. I see his facial expression on my face sometimes, he’s the one that taught me to stand up for what I thought was right, no matter what “If you believe you’re right don’t back down.” Over the years that has caused me problems;-)

I won’t say if he’s alive or if he’s dead, when I sat down and thought about it, his actual age surprised me. His wife would be 78.

It wasn’t until I was much older that I knew men could actually love their kids, I actually thought that most men saw their children as a problem, now that I have a daughter, I don’t understand. He didn’t leave because it was best for his children, he left because it was best for him, and money.

I was talking to my therapist “Your father abandoned you” excuse me, I went on to please his case “Yes, he abandoned you” it was the first time I ever saw it this way (I learned this a while ago)

My brother, he can justify anything and everything, but they’re both the same when it comes to doing what they want, screw who it hurts in the interim. My brother forgives him, not matter what. Good memory, we (bro and me) sang “Time Marches on” I have to insert we were drunk, I mean, drunk.

I always say, I don’t care, most of the time I don’t, yet this is really bothering me for some reason, when I get news that he’s dead, I don’t think I’ll have much of a reaction. If the truth be known, when I think back of him, I don’t like the person he was.

A few years ago, Mom and I were talking about him “Oh, I’ll always love your dad” she was in the bathroom getting dressed for work, I got up out of bed (she worked nights) at this late stage in life she was still protecting me, literally……I know she does care about my dad, but, most of it’s a cover for her grown children’s sake.

And, that’s all, I don’t want to be bothered right now, it gives him more meaning than he’s worth, it makes him a person.