This will be my new blog, after trying to start others on general websites, I decided to set one up in a more obscure, small place, where I could store my thoughts and come back periodically if I ever came up with new ideas. This will be a storage space for my stream of consciousness, and my explorations into the more unknown world of spirituality and metaphysics, all combined with my day to day experiences.

This may not make a lot of sense to those who just come to view my thoughts now and then; I have been thinking for 8 years on my problems, and have attempted nearly every solution imaginable except for drugs. Pure WILLPOWER! Just be courageous, I would think to myself over and over...fighting makes it worse. But not trying makes it easy. It's so entertaining to me, that Homer's lesson to Bart (Simpsons) "never try" has a lot of truth in it. But its a special type of trying; I noticed that when I let go, when I stop caring, then I find I say things everyone loves. I am myself. And then I realize...my god, what has happened? And then I revert to my "old" anxious self, and lock up, thinking I have to be a certain way again, that I found the "me" and I have to hold on to it. But it was the letting go that allowed me to find myself. And now I see this truth reflected in spiritual teachings around me. Eckhart Tolle speaks of letting go, of not resisting, but accepting the now no matter what it is. He speaks of actually discovering an inner me/you that few people are aware of - one that is free of the mind.

Perhaps this is the next stage of my evolution. I will need to focus on being normal. But that is contradictory. No, I must try to let go. But will my subconscious remember my goal, thus sabotaging me? I know deep down, I am letting go in order to be myself, so a "forcing current" exists. No, I have to let go of the very desire itself, to be praised, to be happy and have friends, the very idea that I need to be special, different, liked. Because this is the source of my anxiety, and as long as I hold onto these delusions I can't be free from them or my mind.

Because I have written 50 pages on Microsoft Word. All of them, my past - when I would try to artificially alter my mind's structure, push some endorphins into the frontal lobe, try to think with a special cortex in my brain, inflict pain on myself to escape certain moods, meditate and forget the fear. Try to be like others, observe their movements, their actions, what they say. How are they natural? Do they TRY to be natural? Nonsense...so what do they do, and how can I be the same? That is it right there, I am trying to be the same. I need to stop trying.

For those reading, I can possibly predict your future. If you are as tenacious as I was, you will nearly drive yourself insane trying to solve this problem of anxiety, trying to understand madness. Then you might fall in love, and try to solve your problem with even greater haste in order to be with her. And then she changes and insults you due to your artificial alterations of your mind, your mistakes. And then your mind will stop because it is overloaded, you will dissociate, and then you will stop caring. At this point, you will experience bliss, because this is the state of enlightenment, and the whole world is headed in this direction.

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