Social Anxiety Blogs

Well I fell back to the year 2000 all over again this weekend. No confidence, anxious and depressed. I went out and got drunk this weekend, and I tell you that is the last time ever. I really cannot afford to perpetuate this cycle. The alcohol influenced me into a different mind pattern.

For one night I became the lonely drunk I used to be by hoping to get on women. There were two women that ended up at my house after a night of drinking shots and spilling them on myself. The women were drunk and finally the older one wanted to walk home and I offered to go with her…to just escort her home. She denied of course. Sober, I would not act like that. I would have been of so few words that there would have been no conversation at all. She would have walked home and there would be no argument from me.

She left her friend with me and she was all of 18 or whatever. I am too old…frekin 30! Yet, in my drunken state I was just about ready to put the moves on her when my friend came by and she jumps in with him and goes home or whatever. Story of my life. I have always been last when it comes to women. But had I been sober I would have never even entertained the notion. So I became a lonely drunk. Drinking away until 530 in the morning where I passed out.

This is the kind of garbage I really wanted to avoid but I can’t. It seems that it is either stay home all the time or go out and get drunk…have fun for a little while…and then pay for it. And what a price…the after effect produced a depression in me. It has sidetracked me for two days. All of a sudden I have no confidence, no ambition, and am nervous all the time. Alcohol in moderation is a decent thing. But there is no moderation for me. I wish I could go out and have a good time at the bars without getting drunk.

What a curse.

As I get further from Saturday the depression in me is lifting a little bit…but the remnents are floating around in my mind…how can I find any joy in anything? I look at my future and I lack optimism. Marriage is out of the picture. I don’t even know if that would bring me joy if it happened. Children? No clue at all. I can imagine a million different futures and I don’t’ find any joy, happiness or satisfaction with any of them.

This school called “life” is sure a drag right now that is for sure. I wish I could be 30 instead of 22 or 15 all over again. Just when I think the demons that plagued me in those years are dormant they come back to bite me in the ass. I will no longer let Alcohol usher them in. Here’s to better days ahead…hopefully the joy will return.

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