Social Anxiety Blogs

My mom works as an assistant administrator for an old folks home for those old people that can still live independently and are mentally stable. I've had some correspondence with one of them who gave me a fascinatingly accurate read of my personality by observing my handwriting, and recently she has sent me a printed book in a blue duotang that she feels will help me deal with my anxiety disorder.

I am writing this to the community. I am writing this to my spirit guides. Maybe this was your intention guides, that I discover that I don't want what is in this book, and to further entrench this in my mind. I don't know what you want, you're always sending me numbers but it happens so often that I have no idea what you mean, so I give it my own value, defeating the purpose. Maybe there is still value, but it seems nowadays it just aggravates me, or I avoid the numbers, my life is run by numbers, I look for validation in numbers. I look away when my watch says 333. I look longer than I should when its coming up to 222. THIS ISN'T WORKING!!! But if it continues it continues. I don't know what to say, I don't really know anything yet again.

Anyways, back to my point, still for the both of you (spirit and real communities). I don't want to be what this book is telling me. Look at the headings, the title first: "MAKE people like, respect and follow you". This was my plan all throughout high school...how to change my personality so that they will all love me. That was a failure. The WHOLE POINT of my high school was to teach me that this was folly, that you shouldn't try to change who you are for other people, or try to say things that they like, or act happy, or whatever...because you're becoming a fake who never like who he/she is because he ISN'T who he/she truly is. So you go around wondering how to make others happy, thinking you'll be happy. And then you realize they aren't artificial, they are perfectly happy with who they are. And you miss yourself. Maybe there are some things in there that could be useful, I can't throw it out entirely. But generally I just want to be natural. Whoever likes me/doesn't so be it - right? Do I want fake relationships? No!!

No. So; I think that's about it. I wish I understood you better spirit guides :). You were really nice when I talked to you when I was meditating...but now I just talk to myself and think it is you. Aaggh...getting into metaphysics..maybe not such a good idea. I'm sorry I can't understand you. But I think I know where to go...I'm sure this awareness thing is the right path, and I'm definately trying to be more mindful, in an effort to feel my intuitive sense of what is right and wrong.

Maybe I have to articulate my thoughts. Oh well, now I am more grounded. Don't worry guys, I'll make it! My plan always works like a funnel, eventually you have no where else to go but the truth.

- PB.

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