Social Anxiety Blogs

So today I've discovered there's a name for what's been causing me so much distress for so many years...Social Anxiety. I knew I had some form of anxiety, but thought it was more situational, took meds for a while, then got myself off them thinking I didn't need them anymore, and that I just needed to get a grip on myself.

I've been struggling so much recently to try to understand what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I have such a hard time picking up the phone to call people? Not just strangers, but close friends and family too. Why do I wig out prior to a social occasion, not just hours, but days before the event? Why do I avoid picking up the mail if a neighbor is out on the street? Why can't I even call the parent of my kid's friends to set up a play date for them? Why am I filled with negative feelings and resentment towards others all the time, when I KNOW I can be such a positive and happy person? It's debilitating and it sucks - for me, for my family, and for my friends.

What triggered my self-diagnosis? In a recent argument with my boyfriend he made a hurtful comment about my lack of social skills. That along with a falling out with a good friend about another friend who I felt I she was "stealing" from me. Add to that the immense difficulty I've had taking on a new job that requires me to be in something of a sales position. Recognizing that I DO have some social challenges, and recognizing that I'd not been a good friend because of my fear of even calling my friends, and realizing that my anxiety is preventing me from doing a job I know I should be capable of, lead me to start Googling today.

For years I've told close family and friends how anxious I get when meeting new people, being in a social situation, picking up the phone, etc. And they've always told me what a great faker I am if that's really the way I feel coz no one would ever know. They brush me off as if I'm being ridiculous. I know I'm great on the outside. But on the inside it's complete chaos.

Now I'm faced with a combination of relief at having a name for what paralyzes me, disappointment that there's something "wrong" with me, and fear of whether I'll be able to work through it, or risk losing everything that's good and familiar around me. It feels ridiculous at 40 to be so afraid of seemingly simple acts that my kids do a better job of than me.

I can really relate to some of the other people on this site through their blogs. I want to send them comments letting them know I understand and sympathize with them for what they're going through, but this stupid anxiety even gets in the way of that.

I'm living in a house with my two wonderful young boys, who I so often seem to be cross with these days, my boyfriend and his two teenage boys. My boyfriend is everything to the complete opposite of me. He is outgoing and gregarious. VERY social. He is a musician, signer/songwriter, and has NO fear of getting in front of complete strangers at any time. His ability to get on the phone and call random people and have extensive conversations with them completely baffles me. I find myself feeling jealous.

He is strong-willed, caring to a fault, but not very understanding of my mood swings. Can't say I blame him really, although I feel so much resentment towards him because I feel I can't speak to him. I'm pushing him away and have become so confused about whether or not our relationship is right for me. And there's SOOOO much that goes into making that decision one way or another. The anger that I've been feeling recently is overwhelming, and I get into such rages that I don't recognize myself, or really remember what it was I yelled at him.

I have to do something to make a change. Hopefully today will be the first in a new direction for me. Perhaps simply knowing that I have this disorder will now help me to be less hard on myself, and less critical when the anxiety creeps in. I'm looking forward to learning ways to work through this, maybe avoid the triggering situation, whatever it is that I need to do.

Thanks for allowing me this safe environment to get a little of it out. Writing always did make me feel good.

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