Social Anxiety Blogs

Such a mixture of feelings. It's amazing to me all the the things I've been reflecting on this past week that SA has impacted throughout my life. I realize I actually got very good at avoidance without being aware of what I was doing. Avoiding any of those situations that would have caused me anxiety. Turning down lunch dates with work colleagues, going to the cafeteria after the rush so I had less chance of running into anyone I had to speak to, being late to meetings so I didn't have to deal with small talk before they started, even putting a small fridge in my office so I didn't have to go to the main kitchen for milk for my tea. Not RSVPing to invitations my boys' received for birthday parties, not taking them to parties so I didn't have to speak with the other parents, not accepting invitations to friends' houses, and not having people over to my house...the list goes on.

Moving to California from England at 21 by myself has to be in there somewhere, but I haven't got my head around that one yet. It was a very bold move for me to do by myself, to live with a strange family as their nanny. But I was able to be by myself when the kids were in school or when I wasn't working, didn't have to make any friends I didn't want to, and could write home to those I wanted to keep in touch with. Baby steps, right? I'm sure I'll figure that one out somewhere along the way.

In the meantime my boyfriend has pretty much moved out. We have a complicated relationship (who's isn't?!) but I so often found myself blaming him for the majority of our arguments. He's certainly not perfect, and drives everyone nuts with his endless creative energy and insecurities, but I now realize the role my anxiety played. I haven't even had to opportunity to talk to him about all of this as he's not responding to me. I'm more than a little overwhelmed with my discovery of SA and how to make a decision on whether I should fight to keep our relationship going or not.

A friend of mine set me up to meet with a therapist tomorrow. While I find the thought of meeting with him somewhat overwhelming, I'm also excited to have this opportunity to start working through this thing. I already feel empowered to make changes and have been doing something different every day. I know it's going to be a long journey, but I have to believe I'm on the right path now. If only my boyfriend would call...

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