This is hard
I'm 17 years old, and this isn't where I want to be. I can't remember a time in my life where I was comfortable talking to the people around me. I managed to make one good friend but I always feel like I'm stupid or uninteresting or the most boring person ever when we're hanging out together. I'm not really weird or look weird or anything, I think I look pretty normal, I just never speak. I have no friends in a school that I've been at for over a year now. For a little while I thought I had a friend but we stopped talking because he couldn't stand the fact that I was so shy and didn't talk to any of his friends. Recently he tried talking to me again, but I didn't really have anything to say because it had been so long. I'm so lonely, and sad and often feeling angry because of this. I can hardly even communicate with my teachers. I feel like the entire school thinks I'm crazy because I just walk from class to class and spend my lunches in class when no one else is around. And I sit in the bathrooms alone until someone else walks in and then I leave immediately. Even if I'm about to walk into the bathroom and I hear voices I turn the other way. It's ridiculous and completely debilitating. I want to escape from my constant social anxiety but it just wont go away. I have a job right now, and every day before work I'm anxious about being around my coworkers and knowing they expect me to speak. Everyone expects you to speak. But sometimes I feel like I don't even speak English... I'm really scared that I wont be able to live a good life because of this, because I know it's not just being a teenager. It's something deeper and it's horrifying. I dream of happiness with a family, a husband, a nice job but how can I achieve this when I'm to afraid to speak to anyone?
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Ya, it deffinitley sounds like you are feeling so much PREASSURE from people to be a certain way..or not even that, to just have something to say. And I don't know about you, but if I have nothing to say, I'd rather be natural about it and just not say anything, right? I think the best advice I would give you, is to try and not care too much about what they think, tell yourself, "I don't have to say anything if I don't want to". Maybe that will help relieve some of that built up preassure because you could be creating the preassure yourself by worrying that they are expecting certain things from you when really they arent. Causing you to clam up more! And maybe its just a confidence thing as well, I know that my anxiety has to do with low confidence because of the preassure I put on myself. I don't think I'm unatractive either, but I put a lot of preassure on myself to do better, or improve something about myself. it is super draining, so that sucks that you're feeling it from others as well. That guy that was your friend sounds like, kind of a jerk, he just doesn't want to be friends with you because you wont open up to his friends!! like what the hell is that? It sounds like he wasn't really worth your time, and that you deserve a better friend then that.
It would probably help you out a lot if you could find even one person who you felt comfortable around enough to be yourself, so that you could slowly open up and feel good about who you are. Have you tried talking to a psychologist? that probably will help you big time, because you are sharing with someone, but this person isn't going to judge you or make you feel bad for the way that you feel. I'd like to see one as well, but I'm a little nervous about it, but I think it'l be the best thing. Hopefully!!
Another suggestion I have, is that you could possibly make a list of all of the things about yourself that you like or think that you are good at, that might be a little confident booster. And maybe to help you think of things that maybe you could say, think about what you would like to know about that person, just ask them a questions about things they like or want to do in their life! something like that, because what better subject a person likes to talk about then themselves! right? lol most people do, and I've found that people really enjoy answering questions about themselves.
Oh, also, what helped me is reminding myself that people all have their flaws, and some people are just good at hiding it. No one is any better then you are, and eveyrone is different, everyone has some sort of fear(s), and there's could be a lot more "weird" then you think yours is. haha..i don't know if this will help you or not, but I thought i'd throw it out there.
GOOD LUCK!! and I hope everything works out for you, which I'm sure it will with time. I seriously wish you the best.
I'm going through the exact
I'm going through the exact same thing. I just started college and have zero friends. I'm terrified that it's going to take me over. It's almost like your fighting with yourself. You want to take that step, but your mind refuses. A crowd of people or voices make your heart race. I guess we'll just have to work through it little by little. Baby steps. We have to take control of ourselves, and stomp that anxiety into a squishy pool of mush.