Social Anxiety Blogs

I finally know what I have and it's social anxiety. I didn't used to have it though. When I was little I was always outgoing and popular. I wasn't afraid to get up and be silly in front of people. I didn't worry about entering a crowded room. In fact, I was delighted to be the center of attention. Then something changed. I was in the 3rd grade and my parents had just divorced, it was a bad too. It was also when I had my first experience with bullies.
It started off small, just a few name calling and pushing. One day I had to go to the bathroom during class, but my teacher wouldn't let me go. I tried to hold it, but I ended up having an accident. That's when things escalated, and I was dubbed "Pee Pee Girl." I also ended up getting a horrible haircut that year, and no one wanted to be seen with me. I ended up playing by myself and I slowly became more quiet. I guess that's the year I became shy.
For a couple years I had no friends at all, and the bullying became a daily thing, but in the 6th grade I did make some friends. It turns out I had made friends with the outcasts of our grade, but i didn't care. I liked them and I wasn't alone. They were worth it, and if we got bullied at least we were together. I was still very shy though, I would only talk to my friends and family. I would sit at my desk praying that I wouldn't get called on.
Eventually I started to become invisible to others, and I wanted it that way. If no one noticed me, I wouldn't have to talk, or be hurt by their words. Then I hit puberty, and suddenly wasn't so unattractive, but I was still shy and was embarrassed and didn't want attention. I started wearing a big red jacket every single day to hide myself, it became my security blanket.
Highschool was terrifying for me. So many people were there, but to my surprise it wasn't that bad. I made more friends, they were still outcasts, but that's why I liked them. They were different and funny. I could be my self, and talk about anime and video games without being judged. The bullying seemed to stop after sophomore year, and the jacket came off. I even took a big step and forced myself to take a public speaking class. It turns out that it was scary, but everyone in the class was just as scared as me. I even had some guys flirt with me, even if I was too scared to flirt back. I had become comfortable in my own skin, and wasn't afraid to walk in a room of people, or to make a joke in class.
BUT, it's come back. I'm in college now, and I don't have the security of my friends, as they go somewhere else. I thought I could make new friends, but ever time I try, they just walk away. No one here seems to be interested in being my friend. I'm also terrified of one class. Strangely it's an art class, which I usually love. I just feel alone there. They all just stare at me and whisper. I hate it. I've gotten to the point where I skip because I don't want to deal with them judging me, or embarrassing myself. I tried to go the other day, I got to the door and saw that the room was filled with everyone already. They were all joking and talking with each other. I didn't want to go in because they would all stare.
I missed over 50% of that class now. I'm over them staring, but now I'm afraid that I missed so much that I'm behind. I'm afraid I'll come on critique day and I don't have anything for them to critique, or that since I've only been there maybe 5 times, the teacher won't remember my name, or she'll be mad.
I wanted to go so bad today! I had my purse and was ready to go, and then the thoughts came. I tried to fight them but couldn't. I said positive things, yelled at myself that I had to do it, even broke down and cried my eyes out because I just couldn't make it out that door. I hate having this problem. If I can't stop it, I'll end up ruing my life. It's like a disease that's eating away at my mind. I wish I could just wipe it out, but it's not that easy. I guess I'll just have to keep taking baby steps.