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I don't know what to do anymore..

15 February 2009 - 9:07pm — Olive

I am 23 years old and I have struggled with anxiety since I was 15. I was a really shy girl growing up, and I have a very sensitive personality. My emotions are usually always very intense; I love hard, I cry hard, I anger hard, I hurt hard..etc.. I am a really deep feeling and deep thinking person. I constantly think! my brain never turns off it seems, and I can over think the shit outa something that I really shouldn't. These thoughts come so fast into my brain, they are hard to control and or stop.
I am currently trying to overcome my anxiety, or at least control it, (the ol natural way, no drugs) so I have been focusing on it a lot lately, actually all the time!! so I almost feel as if I have given my anxiety more power because i thas gotten worse. I now get anxiety around everyone! it doesn't matter who it is, even my family members, even people I once felt comfortable around, I no longer do. I am always fearing that I'm going to get anxiety around them and tense up and start shaking and they will see it. It's not the fact that i'm getting anxiety that I hate, it is the fact that it is visible and that is what i hate!!! it's so emberassing!!

I currenly just got out of a relationship, about maybe mmmm... 6 months or so ago now. During the time that I was dating this guy I weeded out a lot of friends who weren't REEAAL friends, if you know what I mean. After me and my boyfriend broke up, I developed a friendship with a guy, and we were very very close, he was who I always talked to. Well me and him are no longer friends now. So nooow, I feel like I have no one, I feel like no one REEAALLY knows me anymore, no one really cares or listens, I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel crazy, I feel like everything is a dream most of the time, I feel like I'm in my own little bubble, and I feel so nervous around people.
When I get my anxiety My body gets really tense, I shake everywhere so its visible and emberassing and I feel almost high. It is super fucking intense!! Basically its like a feeling you would get if someone was just about to kill you, that's how it feels..that's the best way I can describe it. it's almost like a HOLY FUCK! feeling..you know? it just hits me all at once and I literaly cannot take it anymore.
I am a more spiritual person now these days, so I am getting comfortable with this new person I am growing into, and I like the person I am molding into, but I feel like I don't have anyone to share that with now. Therefore, I feel more strange around people.
I'm very observant as well, so I constantly am trying to figure out people, or just observing their behaviour in general.
Furthermore, I am currently very depressed, my anxiety gives me depression and the fact that I have been trying so hard to figure out why I feel this way, and overcome it, and my anxiety has worsened has concluded into depressing me further.
I feel negative and hopeless. I'm trying hard to be positive, but I am struggling and not feeling convinced by the positive thoughts, so I just feel like I'm lying to myself. I am trying hard to keep on keepin on in my everyday life. :(

PS: I have tried, and still do try talking to myself logically as though you would talk to a friend who is overworrying something. that helps to an extent, but now I do not know why I am getting these intense anxious nervous feelings around EVERYONE! so I don't know how to control it.. because it just comes, there really are no thoughts.. just feelings. I am trying soooo hard to understand and figure out why this is happening to me, I have came up with a few ideas, but nothing is really standing out to me, except the fact that maybe I am causing myself anxiety now by focusing a lot of my energy on it. I am to the point where I am visualizing myself actually getting nervous around a person...everytime I know I have to be around someone..because I am afraid of getting it and not knowing if I am able to control my movements so that they can't see it. In conclusion, I'm basically turning my fear thoughts into reality. Now how the hell do I stop it!? its damn near uncontrollable.

I just realy want to know if anyone else has dealt with this? and what they did to overcome it?

Comments

22 March 2009 - 1:28am — kem

wow

Go read my last blog post and you will see that I am going through sometime just like you. It was kind of freaky to acutally read your post cuz I felt like I would have wrote it. My break up and loss of a friend happened actually yesterday and today... so needless to say this weekend has SUCKED! He was my person I confided in and now he has thrown it all in my face. I just don't have anyone to talk to anymore and I feel really alone. If you want to talk more, please message me cuz it would be great to talk to someone who is going through this too.

25 April 2009 - 2:01pm — Olive

sorry for the late response!

aww, wow its good to hear that we are able to relate! that's so crazy basically the same thing happened to us, weird. I'm sorry I haven't been on here...no one was really replying or commenting, so I just kinda..stopped coming on. But I'm back now! so hopefully you're still on this thingy too.

5 March 2009 - 4:37pm — steph_byars

I know what you mean

I am reading your blog and I feel like there is actually someone out there that is like me. I was a very shy girl growing up and was very sensative emotionally, in middle school I became anorexic, had very low self-esteem, and was constantly worried about what other people thought of me. Through high school I had gotten healthier, but I still was depressed and started becoming very anxious. I also did drugs and drank to relieve my anxiety. I am 20 now and two years ago I had started experiencing panic attacks. I have never fully realised what was wrong with me untill about a year ago I looked up my symptoms and realised I had social anxiety. I am just like you because I also hold EVERYthing in. One day I believe I will explode because of how much anger I keep inside of me. I feel this way around my parents and friends as well. One day...I always say ...I will let everyone know how I am truly feeling. Ha! That day still has not come. I have stopped doing drugs but I still have to drink whenever I go out places too. I dont like being in crowds I get really nevous. I did try to exercise and eat right and work the anxiety off, but I was still feeling anxious but it did help with my depression. My doctor perscribed me xanax and they help trememdously. Now I have also been given lexapro(an anti-depressant). I started it a week ago, and the side effects are like hell, but I am starting to feel alot better already with my anxiety. Also, I have thrown away all my friends for my boyfriend who I love so much. He is also my best friend, but everytime we have a slight argument I think he is going to leave me. We have been together for three years. His friends are my friends now and I know if we were to ever brake up I would have no one. The anxiety I feel around people is a killer, I feel like could be doing so much more with my life and instead I am hiding, trying to get away from nervous situations. I just want to brake free. The medicine I am taking i believe will help, but there also needs to be a change in my own life. I have to face my fear! I still have not overcome my anxiety to the fullest, but I have hepled my self alot! If you have the time and willpower to exercise and eat right everyday that will help alot but you have to change yourself too. Be positive, laugh at yourself when you do something emberassing, and try to be more social (this is a problem for me, but having a job where I have to great people has helped me out ALOT!) Also, I heard meditation and yoga is good for people like you and me. I myself dont have much time for exercise and when I do I wont keep at it very long.

P.S. The way I am is kind of like the black sheep in my family...I was raised in a strick southern baptist christain home and have never heard my parents cuss or yell or do anything like that. But my family are not very open people, I feel like I can't be myself around them because I am too scarred of what they will think of me.

Stephanie

25 April 2009 - 2:18pm — Olive

I apologize for my late reply.

Well that's good to hear that you're trying so many things, I think a person has to, because it's the only way to really get anywhere with it..even though it can be so hard!
Baby steps are crucial, for me anyways, I have to take my time, and take things one step at a time, other wise I get overwhelmed and stressed out.
I found that, even though I had all of these people around me, I still wasn't relating to any of them, or I felt alone anyways. I know that I have to be okay with myself, and okay with being alone before I can do the ol relationship thing. I realized that I tended to lean too hard on people and cling once I had that connection, because it was a nice feeling and I didn't want to let that go. It was like I was always desperatley scrambling and searching and grasping for something, anything that would make me feel better.
That's very unfortuante that you feel that you can't be accepted by your family, because they were so relgious and strict... that would be a tough one to deal with, especially because your family should be your rock you know? I am not close with my father at all, in fact there was a lot of bad feelings and damage there..so we were not on good terms, I'm trying very hard with that, and to be able to just get along and forget the past..but its hard. I am lucky tho that I am able to be close with my mother. So have you ever tried to just get alone time with one of your parents..and just talking to them and telling them exactly how you feel? I know the thought of that is kinda of scary or uncomfortable, but the moment you just take one of them aside and do it, and you'll probably start breaking down and crying..but trust me..you have to do it, because it'l be such a huge release, and hopeuflly then they will really see how you feel and try to understand.. and be there for you. I really wish you the best, and hope that you do try and tell them how you feel, or at least one of them..because I really think that it will be a big first step in getting some of those bad feelings out, and good can come out of it. Oh and another thing, after some time past (i'm bad with keeping track of time) me and my family were slowly kind of getting reconected again... or just spending more time around eachother.. and when they woul dbring up little things about me..then I started to realize that ..hey they really do know me? here I thought they didn't have a clue!..so I think that.. it could have also just been my own thoughts convincing myself that really..no one did know me or undestand..because I felt so low and alone. but maybe sometimes we're wrong..u know. Maybe it wont be so bad, and we'll be okay.. and there are people who do care.
Oh, and I did think about Yoga...I still think about that from time to time..I don't know why I haven't really tried it yet.