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Alone

22 March 2009 - 1:19am — kem

So I am at a real low point right now. My grandma is in the nursing home and has a fever and is in a lot of pain. It hurts so much to see her like that and so depressed about her life. She doesn't even look like the same person to me anymore. She is so frail and sad and I just can't believe this is how her life is now.

What also is not helping is that I just got dumped. I have been talking to a guy for a long time, i mean like since January, and we have been pretty serious. I have never had a boyfriend before and we got set up through a friend. Nathan, the boy, has ceribal palsy which did not matter to me. I thought it showed that he had perserverience in life and was compassionate towards others. I guess I was wrong. We were going to finally meet tomorrow and yesterday he called and said he never wants to meet me and that we would not work out. I started crying and he just didn't care. I could here his friends in the back ground mocking me. He called later on by himself and cried and said he was sorry and we talked for like 4 hours and I made the decision to go see him still but make it a very short visit. Well today he called and did the exact same thing to me and said that he never loved me and that we should not talk anymore while his friend is screaming in the background for me to leave Nathan alone. Nathan is the one that has always called me and I have been there. I truly did love his voice and drive in life. I shared insecurities about my grandma and my anxiety and he just threw it all back in my face.

So now I am sitting here with a broken heart, not knowing what I did wrong. It's like he is two different people and I am just getting beaten up over his problems. I have never really had a good experience with guys and I keep to myself a lot cuz of my anxiety. So for me to put myself out there and to now be made to feel stupid, it just makes me feel like I am worthless. How can I let more people in if this is what will happen? Why am I always alone? I just feel so alone.

Comments

15 August 2009 - 6:14am — sweetheart808

hey kem

Hi Kem,
Well at least you have us, so you're not totally alone. That guys sounds like a real asshole, it's probably best that you don;t see him anymore.How he treats you or thinks about you is no reflection on your worth, it just means he's a real jerk.Also, What I have learned in relationships is that they are a mirror of how you see or treat yourself. My first relationship sucked, my first boyfriend was cheating on me, and I found out about it but then even took him back. I really had no self worth. It sounds corny, but its really true what they say that you really can't love another until your first able to love yourself. Your relationship with yourself affects all other relationships, if you don;t treat yourself as worthy and deserving, then who else will? I don't mean to sound preachy but its so true that you must change this in order for you to attract any meaningful and quality relationships. Treat yourself like the wonderful person you are, and automatically you'll find that people treat you better, and you have more love to give to them. There's way more fish in the sea, never settle for less than you deserve. Being alone, doesn;t have to be a bad thing, for a long time when I was struggling with my social anxiety, I had no friends or a boyfriend. I felt like a weird loner and felt bad because all the 'normal' people had friends. But I also saw it as an opportunity to really find out who I was, really love and accept myself and not be needy on the acceptance and love from others, and when you truly master that, being happy just with yourself and really knowing and sticking to who you are, then you don't need anyone to make you feel loved or good about yourself, then friends and lovers come naturally. So i'd say take advantage of your time alone to focus on yourself, because in the end its really worth it!

11 April 2009 - 10:58pm — butterflywings

A friend who is there

Hey kem, I'm new here, but I just read your blog and wanted to offer you some encouragement. I know it seems like everything is crashing down around you, but I want you to know that you are not alone. In fact, there is someone who wants to hear all about what you are going through, and He wants to bring you comfort. His name is Jesus. Seek Him, and He can take all your pain away. He can take your fears away, and most of all He can heal your broken heart. My prayers are with you.

Take care and God Bless

25 April 2009 - 3:19pm — Olive

great reply

Wow, I really liked your reply.. I was not expecting you to say its Jesus. THAT'S SO AWESOME!! that makes me really happy. and you are right!
Also Kem, that guy makes me kind of frustrated, because for him to share such personal things with you, and then have him go back and forth like that, isn't really fair to you. But it seems to me like you have opened him up to something that maybe he want's in his life, but is too scared to really go there. U know? so he sticks with what is comfortable, which are those guys who probably think that everything "is gay" and he's "too cool" for that you know? when really he's missing out on a really good thing, AKA YOU! (and obviously so are his friends). They need to grow up still...
He's obviously just not ready for what amazing things you have to offer, you just need to find someone who is more on your maturity level. Just because things are not so good right now, doesn't mean they will never get better. :)
I hope this helps.