Social Anxiety Blogs

Hello everyone!
I am new here...this is my first blog. I don't really know where to start, but from my heading, obviously I do believe social anxiety is curable, I don't think you should believe, if you do, that it's some kind of fate your doomed with or was just born with and you must live with it for the rest of your life and must just 'accept it'. I believe that through developing self-love and self-acceptance, controlling and changing your limiting thoughts, and never giving up you can overcome it. I guess I'm writing this because I used to feel that way. I have been very painfully shy my whole life and hit the lowest point when I was 15 years old.
Ever since I can remember I had been battling with social anxiety. My parents were very critical, and we traveled and moved around often which made it even harder for me to make friends and 'fit in'. Mostly every year I changed to a new school. I hated being new. I thought I was so 'different' and had extreme inferior complexes, secretly I felt jealous of all the other kids who seemed so happy, confident, loud and made friends so easily. I felt there was truly something wrong with me, and if I acted like myself then people would find out what an imposter/weirdo I was. I virtually never spoke. I was often teased about being so shy and quiet. I remember some kids even asking me like 'Why are you so quiet?' or 'Are you a mute?' Whenever that happened I'd go home and cry. I also often hung out by myself at lunch which was embarrassing because all the other kids had friends. When I got into third grade I had some friends and only talked to my trusted inner circle. Sorry to tell my whole life story, its just I've never fully told anyone about this before and I just want to help other people because I know what it's like to go through that, its like a living hell.
High school sucked the worst. I moved out of my parents care and with my sister when I was 14 and my sister was only 18. I started 9th grade in a new high school not knowing anyone. Again I felt shy and felt like everything was so wrong with me. I had no self-worth, self-love or self-respect. I did whatever everyone else was doing just to feel like I could fit in and so they wouldn't reject me. I hung out with a bunch of people who I didn't even like, mostly partiers and druggies, but they were my only friends and i was too shy to try to make others. I got into doing drugs and having sex. It was so painful to go to school everyday. The only thing I liked about myself was that I was a pretty attractive girl, so the only kicks i got outa school, that made me feel just a little good about myself was dressing up like a slut to get all the guys' attention. A lot of times I just skipped school by myself, I would lie and tell my sister that I was going to school, get all dressed up and leave but then just spend the day walking around the town by myself in order to avoid school. I would go home and cry a lot. All I wanted was just to feel normal. I really felt like no happiness, I obsessed about my unhappy condition nearly 24/7. Around people I always felt panicy, that terrible, undescribable anxious feeling that I truly hated. That uncontrollable fear, fear that I didnt even understand, or even knew what I was so scared about. I felt like I was an utmost pathetic loser with no life and would never have a life because I couldn't be as socialable and confident as the others.
So at the end of the school year, I really didn't want to go back to the same high school the next year since I really dreaded my friends. So I decided to move back in with my parents who lived in another state just so I could start fresh in another high school, without anyone knowing my past. I was so determined to start fresh, so fucking fed up with being so damn phony and caring so much what others thought about me. I thought this is it this is the year I'm not gonna give a fuck anymore, I'm gonna make lots of cool friends I actually like, actually be my true self regardless what others think and have a lotta fun.
Big mistake. Though my whole environment changed, I still felt the same on the inside and I didn't know why. I felt like there was no escape. Everyday at school was like a nightmare. The only friend I was able to make was one girl who again was a total druggie. Slowly we got more into drugs and drinking. I didn't want to do that kind of stuff but was afraid that if I didn;t that id lose my only friend and be a loner again at school. I felt even shy around my own parents. Which sucked because I longed badly to know my parents better since I haven;t seen them in a while but was too shy to come out of my shell to talk to them. I remember the way I used to talk to myself also, I used to call myself the ugliest names, like around my dad when I felt shy id think to myself like 'Oh my god your so fucking pathetic, your such a little piece of shit, you can't even talk to your own dad!' I would say things like 'I HATE myself!' I often thought about killing myself. I thought whats the point of living if I have to be like this my entire life, I did think then that I tried everything and so hard yet I couldn't change it, I thought I would be like this for the rest of my life. So what was the point of living if you can't be who you truly are, if you cannot be free but constantly feel like your trapped in a cage, if you cannot enjoy the loving,fulfilling relationships with other human beings? I just wanted to die. I think the only reason why I didn't kill myself was because then i was a christian and believed if i killed myself that id automatically would go to hell. And also something that stuck in my mind that my dad said a long time ago to 'never give up. whatever life hands you never ever give up. that people who kill themselves are quiters.' So i thought well I am not a quiter.
But anyhoo, so my parents knew how depressed I was by how I was acting and they thought school was the reason for it, which was a big part of it. I didnt barely do anything all i did was stay in my room the whole day and watch tv and sleep alot. So my dad was like 'if you really dont like school then just drop out, the important thing is that you go to college, high school doesnt really matter.' So i dropped out.The main incident that really made me want to drop out was on halloween when I went to a party and of course I felt really insecure and shy while my friend was having fun and drinking, i sat alone on the couch watching tv, then when my friend and her friend, this guy, dropped me off at my house, i heard him say as they dropped me off that I was so 'pathetic.' That hurt me so fucking much, I went home and cried my eyes out then dropped out of school after that, i never wanted to face my 'friend' or anyone from that school again. I made up some bullshit story about moving to another city. So again i was all alone, drowing in my self-pity not knowing what to do or who to talk to about it. I was pathetic, i cried almost every night, watched tv alone, went on the computer, slept, occasionally went for a walk along the beach, but eveytime I went outside i was so paranoid that someone from my school would see me. So lame. I also really missed my sister who is also my best friend and where we lived which was in Hawaii.
So still being 15, I asked my parents if i could move back in with her. They said okay but not until I turned 16. The reason they were reluctant was because they found out about my drug use and hanging out with guys. But they also knew how depressed i was and how much i missed my best and only friend, my sister. So I had about six months before I turned 16. The turning point came when one day in my room, I wrote down a goal for myself to achieve and it was to become totally confident and over my shyness by the time I hit 16. The biggest thing that really changed I would say, my life, is i made a promise to myself that no matter what, no matter how many times I failed, fell flat on my face, or even if I didnt make my goal before i turned 16, that not matter what I would eventually achieve my goal of total confidence, self-esteem, and social skills. That nothing in the whole wide world would stop me from my goal. Even if it took my whole life, somehow and someway I would find the way to solve my problem, and then not only do all the wonderful things and dreams I wanted to do, but also help others overcome their fears as well.
Reading self-help books really helped. I had never thougt about it until one day i was at the library and stumbled across one, it was some really corny one and didnt really help much, very sappy and unreal. I started reading more and more and just experimenting with what worked for me personally. The first book I remember reading that actually made an impact on me and really made me feel a change was a book called 'Feeling Good' by some sort of psychologist. It was about how to heal yourself from depression by changing your thoughts. It was the first to introduce to me that my thoughts was what was causing me to feel bad, that all my thougts caused all my emotions, thus everytime i felt bad or even panicked was because of a thought, and my thoughts were something i can control and am responsible for. The book had a lot of little exercises such as like everytime you felt bad, write down what thoughts were making me feel that way, like writing down my 'inner critic' and thus becoming more aware of it. So i wrote it all down and for the first time i realized how critical i was on myself, i never realized how rude i was and the absurd names i called myself. I noticed a slight positive change around strangers, even thought it was small it encouraged me to carry on.
My 16th birthday was the worst one ever. I was all alone, of course, walked around venice beach, california like a loner. I realized I was still very shy and felt a little sad that i didnt reach my goal, but soon id be back in hawaii, had another chance to start fresh, and was so amazed by my little achievements that i felt proud of myself.
When I came back to hawaii, my sister was living with her then boyfriend. I remember at first I was so amazed how much more confident i had become, but on the first week i was back i cam crashing down because I said something like to her boyfriend,'by the way, thanks for letting me stay here with you guys...' and then he was like 'your welcome, wow thats the most ive heard you talk since you came here hahah' Without letting him know, i went into the room and cried, for the first time i told my sister my problems and insecurity and told her how upset it made me feel because I felt like i had come so far but like it wasnt even good enough yet.
But so that happened alot, like i noticed everytime i felt like i had really made a breakthrough, the next day would be followed by a let down or a set back. But they were really just there to help me move forward even more and realize what was holding me back. And I always kept finding more things which were holding me back, i became very very self-aware, i became like my own personal psychologist, i wrote down all my darkest thoughts and fears and feelings.
The second most inspiring and helpful book was one called 'Awaken the Giant Within' by Anthony Robbins, corny name, but a great book. It didnt solve all of my problems, but it opened my mind up to looking at things in a new way he truly convinced my how important it is in life to control your thoughts, that your thoughts pretty much create you whole life. So i was never much into reading before this, or like philosophy or self help or 'manifesting' goals. But this book changed that, he gives great real life examples and inspiring stories of famous people etc. A lot of that book was about changing your beliefs. I had a hard time doing this, I did understand though that my beliefs about myself were what was mostly causing my problem with insecurity and shyness. Around this time I also got my first job in a very small sovenuir shop, which I was the only person in the store working most of the time, no one really came in there that much. But once in a while I would work with this one other older local hawaiian chick who was so sweet an nice to me, she felt like a mother to me. But being in this environment, was great for me, because i had time at work to read since it was so slow, and there were enough people around to practice what I learned.
Sorry this story is taking so long, if you;ve read up to here, thank you and i hope you can relate to me. But anyways so a year passed, and now I was 17, still living with my sis and her boyfriend, still working, still pretty shy. I had read many books and tried many different things and I was way less shy, but still pretty self conscious. I realized that it was a gradual and inner process that would take time, so i stopped setting specific, timed goals. Many times along the way I felt like giving up, i felt like whats the use, im not getting anywhere, but everytime i felt depressed i remembered my promise to myself and how id let nothing stop me ever which gave me strength to move on. It was a struggle more also because, my first job went out of business because of the lack of business so i got a new job at an electronics store similar to shaper image, working with many different people and it was busy in there most of the time. They also put more pressure on me to make sales and to go and talk to customers. It felt very painful at times for me, and I felt impatient with myself and embarassed everytime i felt shy.
But through tons of books I've read including, 'The Secret' which did help a lot, 'Creative Visualization', 'Self-Esteem', and many more, i had my own mini library i my room full of self help books. The book 'the secret' and the dvd of it really changed things for me also. When I first read it it was like woaa this is what ive been looking for for so long. But it wasnt everything, it introduced these cool concepts but gave very little info about how to go about using it, so I misunderstood how to use it. It talked about how every experience in our lives, we attracted to us by our thoughts. That whatver you focus on in life you get, whatever your feeling about you get. Which was true for me, constantly, almost 24/7 i obsessed about this goal and felt bad about not having it i thought 'don't be shy, don't be shy...' and by the law of attraction this book said was only bringing more shyness into my life by my focus on what it was i didnt want. It also talked about gratitude, visualization, and detachment. Some of it I understood, but a lot of it just sounded so corny, like foucs on what you;re grateful for and youll draw more of it into your life etc. i thought well that sounds nice but ya rite. So i tried the visualization thing and that helped, but i still felt like something was missing.
Then i read this book called 'Focus on the good stuff: the power of apprecitation (or gratitude)' It talked in depth about the power of graitude and one of the exercises was to just list in your mind all the things your grateful for starting from anywhere, The first time I gave this a try and it felt amazing i went on a gratitude spree and feeling gratitude is such joyful emotion, it sounds weird but for the first few days i practiced this i felt really happy and at peace, i felt so much more confident, more so than ever before and didnt feel like anthing was missing anymore, i felt actually good about my life and realized how much good i had. And its true it literally changed my life. After I found the college i wanted to go to, i started making friends, going on dates, and got a better job. My whole life perspective changed, and ever since then I;ve been a whole lot happier, and reading the book 'gratitude: a way of life' by lousie l. hay helped me a lot and i gave it to my sister to read and its helped her a lot also.
But gratitude does not solve everything, it makes you a whole lot happier and your life more fuller and abundant definetly, but i still felt a little shy. But the single most important book that has helped me overcome my shyness, being an 18 year old now in college, Im happier than ive ever been in my life, I can talk to people with ease, joy and laughter, I make friends easily, I am a waitress, I meet a lot of guys, I mean I've come a long way and I beat my social anxiety. The whole process is much more complicated then all ive wrote here, but in a weird way, im very thankful that I;ve had social anxiety, because its caused me to learn so much about life and about myself, and what truly makes me happy and what i truly want out of life. I wouldnt have learned those things without it and the struggle I went through, the pain I felt, made me stronger, more independent and now I know that I really can achieve anything I put my mind to, even things I once thought were impossible to overcome, like my anxiety, I can overcome. Anyway the most helpful book, or the one that somes up everything ive learned, is a book called 'The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success' by Deepak Chopra. The first time I picked up this book i thought it was a bunch of bull, but i guess it depends where you are in life that like at that time it didnt make sense for me but now that ive grown i totally understand it and have seen it work in my life. Its basically about how we manifest any goal in life. The most important thing ive learned from it is this law called the law of detachment, which i am recently working on in my life right now, because im still growing and trying to stretch into the next level of confidence etc. But it made me realize how attached i was to my goal of becoming totally confident and free of shyness, because I totally based my entire happiness on the achievement of that goal, and I abandoned my self love whenever i was shy, like what I;m sayin is I realized that I only loved my self conditionally, that I would only love myself if i was a certain way like only if i acted really loud and confident like everybody else and if I didnt then I would hate myself and condemn myself. So I really stopped caring so much, i thought so what if im shy, ill love myself no matter what. And another really important thing I learned is how important it is to be and own your own self, and not be controlled by others by caring what they think about you. That the only person that can make you feel good about who you are is you, so it really doesnt matter what anyone thinks ever. I am still a work in progress, but the progress ive made is so amazing it wasnt just by accident, i didnt just 'grow out of it' i put a lot of effort into it but it really paid off because I'm really happy in my life right now. I just want to let anyone know whos reading this that if they're going through what I went through, to please feel free to contact me, through email or message, and ask me anything you want to help you, or simply just to vent what you're feeling. I really hope, thats why I came here to this site, to help people going through that painful, confusing, dark stage in their lives, to help them pass through it. My real email address is pinklotus16@aol.com so email me sometime! What i love about the internet is its totally anonymous so please dont feel embarassed! i sure dont, i just gave you my whole life story....