Social Anxiety Blogs

So I don’t know how to start this. At all. I’m basically just writing to reassure myself I’ve still got normal thoughts. I’ve been thinking so much lately, of why I don’t think on the same level as I used to. The little things used to be so obvious to me, little quirky remarks and variations or references of and to different words and topics. I used to hear a word and immediately have a list generate in my mind of a bunch of thoughts that in some way corresponded to the word. I would then decide on which made the most sense in the conversation. I know I’m insecure. I’ve always known it deep down, but it’s become increasingly prevalent ever since I started college. The way I grew up, where everyone knew everyone, was such a false representation of how things in the real world are. I just feel, not nervous, but almost overly anxious to seem like I’m interested and aptly listening each time I talk to someone here. In Lancaster, because I knew everyone, it was easier to be myself, because I knew even if I strayed from a perfectly accurate portrayal, the persons involved already had a preconceived notion of me, and how seriously and in what way to take what I had to say. Here at college, every time I talk to someone I get afraid they aren’t going to understand how I really am by how I act, because they don’t know my mannerisms well enough to interpret them correctly. I feel like I have to impress and please every person I talk to. I can realize, when I stop to think, that before the conversation starts, they’re thinking some thing similar to that, but every one else seems to be able to put it aside and carry on normally, and I just can’t figure out the trick to not altering my personality I’m trying to find myself? I guess. It sounds dumb, cliché, etc. But at this time in my life, I don’t doubt that that’s exactly what I’m attempting to do. I have to learn to be comfortable with myself. With my personality. It’s hard though, because I really just run out of things to say to someone. I feel like anything I could bring up they don’t care about, even though I know that’s a stupid way to feel. I lose the inflection and tone in my voice that I want, the kind that implies caring and charm, and instead my nervousness is distinguishable audibly. I notice the tone, and I convince myself whole-heartedly that they notice it too. It puts them off, and actually sends the exact opposite message I intended to send, that I don’t really care and am uncomfortable in the conversation. I am uncomfortable, but only because I’m trying too hard to be comfortable. I need to learn to go into conversations just wanting to hear what they have to say, and offering my reaction and response in a compassionate yet communicative way. It’s something I am not close to mastering soon. I plan to work on it every chance I get. I’m almost too aware of the little things in a conversation. I need to learn to slow my brain down while I’m conversating, and actually think about what my response is going to be. That way, my response will actually be what I think, which in turn helps me be myself.