Social Anxiety Blogs

Invisibility is the state of an object which cannot be seen.

I watch this show called Heroes and this one episode had this older man who could render himself invisible...nobody could see him and he'd wander the streets taking what he wanted and sleep wherever he wanted and do whatever he wanted without fear of others noticing him or his behaviors...being able to do whatever you wanted without fear of being looked and watched is something i fantasize about a lot...

I stay couped up in my house a lot, i'm sort of this invisible man except i have a house that cloaks me from peering eyes (If anybody notices at all) - I feel pretty free and open when i'm in the house alone, i can do random things at home like get my freak on to some techno music or sing out loud to some song i really like or be vulgar if needed but as soon as somebody steps into this house I feel I need to somehow restrict my actions as to not embarrass myself or put any possible negative feedback my way...doing so I think causes others to feel restricted around me because the things i discuss and talk about in this state of fear are also restricted that its hard for me to really show any parts of who I really am, i'm very defensive and might come across as uncaring.

So I fantasize...

I look out the window and wonder what it would be like to walk out there with no feeling at all of being watched or judged...I'd like to head down the street running as fast as I can...jumping or screaming at the top of my lungs...i'd like to run to out to the school football fields and roll around on the grass or chase my dog around it, i'd like to splash in puddles when it rained...i'd do all this because I know that being alive can feel good when i don't feel restricted, its spontaneous...the feeling of wanting to do something is in control i don't force myself to do it, its like i'm really living.

...I do venture out there sometimes, I walk my dog and ride my bike but I always have to force myself to do it or think about doing it and when i'm out there walking my dog i'm thinking of how to be normal and as cars pass by I wonder what they must be thinking of this guy...who is he? He's chubby, he's ugly, why does he look so nervous walking his dog? he has a weird sense of style, that big bright yellow bike helmet looks silly...these thoughts i conjur, i don't truly know what they are thinking....or even if they care, i might actually be an invisible man already to them because they are too busy with their own lives but its hard to convince myself otherwise that some people might notice me and think these things...

there's this tree infront of my house...i'd like to sit under and read a book or just look at the sky all day if only I could.... http://www3.telus.net/ebayac/transient/pic/Misc/slides/IMG_1749.jpg