Social Anxiety Blogs

The past (almost) week, I haven't felt like talking to anyone, even my best friend. I know I'm depressed and I also know that this all is being triggered by my oncoming monthly cycle... I'm fairly helpless to stop how I feel (other than sheer will and I just don't have much of that anymore....).

I guess what got me really triggered was that that one woman tried to contact me (again...). The one that wanted me to move south to live with her. I can't bring myself to tell her that I don't want to see her and that talking on the phone wasn't working for me. While I knew her for years in my past, I've changed more than anyone could ever have guessed.

At first, my decision to not move south with her was because I couldn't bear to be separated from my best friend but it's deeper than that. A lot of my past is hurtful to me and sadly, she's a big part of it. The time that I spent with her in NM wasn't exactly the best time in the world for me when it came to her.

Yeah, it was nice for a while but after a while, she started taking advantage of me. At first, I was working a part time fast food job and she didn't demand a whole lot from me financially then but after I got a better job, she 'raised' my rent, complaining that she didn't have enough money to deal with her mortgage and the lot rent. I obliged.

Every time I got a raise, she demanded more money from me. Soon, I was paying her half of what I was making. I couldn't afford anything outside of food and a few necessities. I had wanted to get my license and a car so I wouldn't have to depend on my co workers to get back and forth to work and be able to run my own errands instead of depending on everyone else's kindness.

Even on the rare occasion that we sat down and actually talked, it was always about her issues/problems/irritations. Friendship, to me has always been a give and take kind of thing. Each person gets equal time, more or less, depending on the situation.

All that, I tried to put in my past, to let it go and move on. If I had moved back in with her, it would have been the exact same situation... maybe not at first but eventually, it would have been all her and nothing for me. Rather than fight with this, I chose to avoid talking to her. Yeah, not the most mature thing but I honestly couldn't bring myself to tell her all this. Especially considering that I hadn't told her about this years ago, it would seem like I'm bringing all this up just for spite.

The sad thing is that she really is a nice person, very caring but her issues make her toxic to me on so many deep levels that I can't bring myself to even talk to her right now. Plus, I hate phones to begin with and talking on them on a regular basis is extremely stressful to me, even doing it every day.

Now, my best friend hasn't been around the last day or so. I'm afraid that my silence has soured him to my presence in his life. I can't really blame him. I guess I'm on my own now...