Social Anxiety Blogs

I'm doing a little better than a few days ago, in spite of having 3 (really 2 and a half) beers last night. I usually don't drink but I needed something to help me relax a little.

But, I'm still struggling with this irritable, angry, depressed, frustrated mood that I've been in. Gladly, my best friend didn't bail on me... his cable connection was down and couldn't get on line for about a day and a half.

Lately, I've been to the point where I really wonder why I'm really still on this earth. There's this small part of me that's eternally hopeful, wanting to believe that my life has deeper meaning than how I'm existing now (and yes, I'm just existing).

Most of the time, I just don't have the energy/will to do more than get up, sit at the computer and go back to bed when the day is done. Yes, I know this is depression but for me, I think it goes deeper than that. I feel emotionally drained. The only person that I can bring myself to be in contact with daily is my best friend. As much as I'd like to be more active in other people's lives, I know from past experience that this would set me up for for even deeper emotional exhaustion.

Even posting blog entries can be enough to drain me to the point where I don't want to even type anything more than a few short sentences to anyone. In all honesty, I'd really love to know how to fix this. I know that it would be difficult other than putting me into a deep sleep for the next few years O_o To me, that doesn't sound like a bad thing.

The only thing that even marginally 'heals' me is crafting. I knit and crochet. When I'm doing a project that I enjoy doing, it makes me feel at least marginally productive and allows me to express myself in a medium that I understand.

Even now, I just got up a little while ago and I feel like I could crawl back to the couch and fall asleep right now, just from typing this. The sad thing is that I do take vitamins. Oh, I tried Sam-E... bad stuff for me. While I was visiting my best friend, I decided to take that and it plunged me into a hugely deep depression. So much to the point where I didn't feel up to driving back home (5 hour drive) so I had to stay another night. Not good.