Social Anxiety Blogs

I finally got my period earlier today. My cycles are getting more and more off kilter since I started going through the change. I'll be glad when I don't have to worry about them anymore. Hopefully, this abyss that I'm in now will go away (sort of) after it's over too. Hormones are hell...

As usual, I'm trying to notice all the changes that are going on with me during this time. For a while, I was actually sleeping during the night and getting up in the mornings. Now, it's back to me sleeping in the mornings and getting up mid afternoon. I'm so freakin' thrilled.

And also, I'm slightly manic. I've started 3 new projects today, ignoring the ones that I already have started (last week, as a matter of fact....). I even dug out an old granny type afghan that I never finished (from a few years ago) and I'm working on that too. I have 28 squares . I'm not sure how big I really want it so I'm just going to keep going until I have a number that will make even rows and put them together from there.

I still feel like I want to hide away. I also can honestly say that I've had it with 99% of the human population (at least in this moment...). It's not that anyone's been mean to me or anything of that sort. I guess the closest I can come to expressing this accurately is that, I'm just tired of everything. People are just the focus I have right now. I long for oblivion. I'm tired of being tired and scared and depressed and so unsure of myself and what I'm supposed to be doing.

I know that therapy would probably benefit me as a lot of my issues contribute hugely to my anxiety and depression issues. But... I can't afford therapy and the thought of going to a doctor makes me want to puke.

It always feels like I'm on a teeter totter, one moment, I'm hopeful, optimistic, other times, I could care less if I drew another breath. I even had a sort of 'daymare'/fantasy about how if someone came up to me while I was going out to the store and pulled a gun on me. Depending on my frame of mind, I would probably beg them to shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Of course, if that moment ever came, I'd probably just be scared to death, just like any other semi-sane person.