Social Anxiety Blogs

A little while ago, my local g/f and her b/f came over to tell me that my g/f's mother had passed on. I should be used to this kind of news but... I'm really not. They want me to come to the funeral tomorrow but... I just can't bring myself to. I'm so damned tired of death.

I'm sad that she's gone but it's more or less muted because I really haven't seen her in years. She had been in a nursing home as my g/f couldn't care for her by herself.

Adding to that, I made it clear to my g/f and her b/f that I was going to be leaving this house fairly soon. I know it's hard for someone that's never been where I'm at emotionally but this house is killing me. The memories of my family are around me all the time. I can't go into certain rooms without breaking down and crying for hours on end or at the very least, feeling weird and off balance.

I know that most people would tell me (and they have, believe me, they have...) to just get over it. Sorry... tried.... can't.... I've been trying for the last 3 years to 'get over it' and it ain't being gotten over. Some people can live any place and not be affected by past memories but this is not the case with me. Since my Dad passed on 3 years ago and I moved back home, I've gone through bouts of seriously suicidal thoughts... something that I've never really dealt with before. I even have a plan, which I won't discuss here.

I'm even willing to abandon the house if it'll save my life. Yeah, money would be nice but the fact is that there are at least 5 houses for sale in my neighborhood that have been for sale for at least 6 months. The chances of me being able to get this house off me anytime soon is next to nothing and I'm not sure that I can deal with this much longer.

Oddly, my g/f and her b/f started talking about buying this house from me... again. I'm not taking it seriously though. They've said things like that in the past and nothing ever came of it. I even offered to rent it to them for the cost of the yearly taxes (plus utilities) just to keep the property up or do a rent to own thing but that didn't go far. I even quoted them a price that I thought was very fair considering that work needs to be done on it.... $50,000. I'm not counting on anything at this point.

The few people that know how I feel about this agree that I need to get out of here ASAP. Even my best friend's mom, who I only mentioned this to briefly agrees that I need to get away from here.