Social Anxiety Blogs

Even though, when I finally got up (around 3 pm after waking up on and off since before 8 am...), I was feeling like death warmed over. I spent the day feeling pukey and weak (probably hormonal after effects of my cycle, which lasted a grand total of 2 days).

I spent the day thinking about local Bon's Mom. I didn't go to the funeral... I'm just too tired of death and funeral homes. After seeing my brother, Mom, Dad, cousin, great aunt into the ground in the past 9 years, I couldn't bear to go to one more. As much as I loved Ida Ruth, I just couldn't bring myself to get up and dressed to see her into the ground too.

Even though I had really severe anxiety earlier, it seems to have gone down some. I really hate when I'm nervous and jumpy for no reason at all. Oddly, I didn't attach my anxiety to any specific thoughts... it was just free floating anxiety that I couldn't pin down. I can't say that I was really depressed today but I did have a good cry a little while ago.... for Ida Ruth, Mom, Dad, Jack, gramma, just for everyone who's passed on in my life.

When Ida Ruth was alive, before her husband passed on, she was a joy to be around and was there for me through many hard times. I wasn't around when her husband, Bon's Dad passed on (I was living in NM at that time).

On the brighter side, I made some progress on my top down raglan sweater. The attached pic is where I was a few hours ago. Now, I'm into the sleeve increases. As crappy as I was feeling earlier, I'm still feeling crappy but better and I've been knitting like a fiend O_o Part of it is that I really want to get this done before the cold weather sets in so I can actually make use of it when I need it. The color is deep plum heather Caron Simply Soft yarn.

It's kind of a bitch to work with, though because the color is so dark. For a while, I had a monster headache because I was straining my eyes, even though I have good light here at the computer desk. So far though, I'm really liking how it's turning out. It's a simple pattern, little to no shaping and no sewing!! That's the part that I like. My Mom was the seamstress in my family.... I can't sew a straight line to save my life.

I will, however, attempt to line a purse that I'm making (more of a tote bag than purse...).

My best friend is going to be here in a few weeks to help me get this place cleaned up and cleaned out so I can leave with a semi clear conscious. Really, I have mixed feelings about leaving. On one hand, this is the one place that I could always come back to when I needed it, irregardless of how I felt about this place, it's been my home for as long as I've been alive.

On the other hand, this place holds a huge amount of bad memories for me. There are certain rooms that I can't bring myself to go into, like any of the bedrooms. I sleep in the living room. I can't bring myself to use the computer room in the basement at all. I can still feel the presence of my brother down there. Before it was a computer room, it was my brother's bedroom. After I moved out, Dad made that into a hobby/computer room for my brother.

Basically, I need to put all these memories behind me if I'm going to get better. Before, I was getting better after Adam was born but when Dad died and we moved back here, it was too much for me to bear. As I mentioned in an earlier blog entry, I didn't have suicidal thoughts until I came back here. When I'm away, the only reason why I get depressed is the thought of having to come back here.