Social Anxiety Blogs

My name is Kiki, I'm 22 and have severe social anxiety. I have no friends, and go to school at a university that depresses me. Having no relationships on campus, I sought out many online friends ... one asked me to go move to New York with him after I get my degree. I can't exactly explain to him that I have trouble talking to people, how could I possible get on a plane where I have to speak to people to get my luggage on the plane, ticket, etc? We have long converstations on the phone (I'm not afraid to talk on the phone w/ him).

Also speaking of radical things ... my friend from my home town (not on campus) offered to join Peace Corps with me. I think it's an awesome idea, but too drastic for me. I have so many issues, I want to get over them so that I can go to Peace Corps ..!!

I don't know what is wrong with me. I probably spend way too much time on the net and not enough effort trying to get my life together. I was a member of SAS way back in 2003 when I first found out that all this had a label. I however never posted, and stopped visiting the site after a few months. Anyways, here I am again, older ... not much wiser. The same problems, but at a greater severity. Who'd thought I would get worse? heh. I guess no matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse. Don't ever doubt that. And that's not pessimistic thinking, I'm saying that you have to believe and recognize that there is always a life situation that is worse that the one you are currently experiencing. Think of that MADtv skit "Depressed Persion cab driver" guy. Lol.

Anyways, I'm a little depressed for making this blog in the first place. Most of the time when I look at blogging and blogs, I see a lot of self indulgent people who spend time perfecting their paragraphs to make them sound interesting, to appeal to people, to be interesting to people. Not saying that everyone does this, only a fraction. They strive for a repuation on the internet, trying to make themselves sound as best as possible. It's sick really, and fake. But with the anonomity of the internet, I see a ton of people hiding behind their blogs instead of living life. My sister's Livejournal for one. On the other hand, if you're shy ... does a blog help?

With SAS does a blog help. I think it can go both ways. We SAer's think entirely too much about ourselves already (not in the selfish sense)---we think of people's perception of us--"Did that guy at the store think that I was angry?" "Did that girl walking by on the side walk know that I was shy because I couldn't make eye contact with her, or did she think I was just bored?" "I hope no one pays attention to me when I enter the classroom"; all these thoughts are sickening and make us crazy. The irrationality and pre-occupation with them already makes other areas of our life degrade if it's persistant. We can't do what others can do, we live in a prison. The thing is no one can see that we have a problem --- like I read in the forums, our anxiety problems are almost invisable to others.

With all these thoughts regarding ourselves -- Is it good to talk about them more using a blog? We analyze things to the MAX already, need we rediscuss it here? I don't know. On the one hand, if you can type out all of your automatic thoughts, and realize how irrational and unrealistic they are, then maybe that is a step in the right direction. I just want to avoid wallowing in self pity and becoming re-addicted to the net (which I have been for years).

Anyways I don't know what the hell i just wrote, I was going some where but now i forgot. LMAO.

Thanks for reading.