Social Anxiety Blogs

For a while, I actually thought that I'd escape deep depression this time around (cycle-wise) but I guess I was fooling myself. I"m back to trying to convince myself that my life is really worth saving.

This 'back and forth' is really tearing me down. One moment, I actually have hope that I can pull myself out of this tailspin, the next, I'm thinking about the garage (sorry, I won't go into detail about that....).

For the most part, I've had to deal with the 'not-good-enoughs' all my life and now that the people that always told me that I was never good enough are gone, I still hear their words echoing in my head. For as many people that have told me that I am good enough, the past tells me that I'm really not.

I think the one thing that's always gotten to me is that my life, from the time I became an 'adult' has been a time of almost constant change... something that I wasn't used to as a child. I lived in the same house for most of my life (well, technically, about half my life), my parents stayed married til their passings, I went to the same school as my father and brother did. But once I hit about 25, just about everything was in constant motion.

Even though some people would have said that I was fairly successful in my life, I tend to disagree. All of my relationships failed on some level, many people took my kindness for weakness and used me. Of course, this is my fault because I allowed it. Just like everything else....

Just when I thought my life would settle down, it got 100X worse. Of course, this again, I feel is more than half my fault. As events took place, I had a feeling that it would all fall apart but, at the time, I didn't feel that it was my place to make all the decisions. Maybe if I had been a little more bitchy, things wouldn't have fallen apart.... or they would have fallen apart sooner and it wouldn't have been so traumatic or affected so many innocent people. If we had just stayed in the apartment, if I had pitched a bitch about a few things and turned into a nag sooner, maybe I wouldn't be where I am today. But... I am only so strong... I can only take so much.

Maybe if I had done all these things, my life would have fallen apart more slowly, at a pace that I could have handled, to where I could have done damage control more easily, rather than to have it fall apart all at once, leaving me a depressed, anxious, worthless puddle of inhumanity.

For a long time, I was in denial about a lot of things. At the same time, the one that I was supposed to trust the most took advantage of me when I was at my weakest, after my brother died, while I was pregnant. Previous to that point, I was strong willed. I was ready and able to fight with anyone who crossed my path. I don't know how to get that part of me back, if that's even possible.

Again, my thoughts turn to just disappearing from everyone that I know, starting totally fresh but... at my age (soon to be 45), it gets harder to start over than when I was in my 30s. I think I've lost my will to truly live.

My best friend came up here this week to help me get the house cleaned and cleaned out so I can abandon this place that's caused me so much emotional stress and pain with a relatively clear conscious. I fear that this all might be for naught, the way I'm feeling now. I think I mentioned before how easily it would be for me to just disconnect from the world... this is all too tempting for me in this moment. There's only a scant few that would care enough to miss me, even fewer that would actually seek me out in concern for me. I don't know if this is comforting or sad.

In reality, I really, honestly wish that no one would be left to miss me. That would make things so much easier for me.