Well I fell back to the year 2000 all over again this weekend. No confidence, anxious and depressed. I went out and got drunk this weekend, and I tell you that is the last time ever. I really cannot afford to perpetuate this cycle. The alcohol influenced me into a different mind pattern.

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So, just more of my thoughts. I usually talk to myself in these blogs.

Everything is being turned into an objective, being compartmentalized and analyzed in order to create a perfect technique that will allow you to reach enlightenment.

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This blog seems to be diverging more and more from the course of social-anxiety related topics, but, it is still my favourite storage space for my thoughts, so I shall continue. It all bears relevance anyway, as I am solving the problems of the mind as a whole!

I realized today what Adyanshanti was talking about when he said that only the mind creates problems; that the negative reaction only occurs subsequent to your negative thought. If you stop the thought, you stop the negativity cold.

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So, now I recognize that letting go of desire to be happy seems to be the key to releasing my mind from my own self-inhibitions and restrictions. I just need to let go of the need for security, the need for pleasing others and hoping they laugh at my jokes or share my concerns, or contribute to my insights. I'm expecting too much, and trying to engineer myself to perfection, when I am perfect already.

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This will be my new blog, after trying to start others on general websites, I decided to set one up in a more obscure, small place, where I could store my thoughts and come back periodically if I ever came up with new ideas. This will be a storage space for my stream of consciousness, and my explorations into the more unknown world of spirituality and metaphysics, all combined with my day to day experiences.

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Yeah, it's been a while... again. Partially just because I haven't really had anything to write or even felt like writing.

In my never ending struggle with depression (which seems to far outweigh my struggle with anxiety... for the most part...), I've 'fallen' more than a few times in the past few weeks. I'll be okay for a few weeks and then, the bottom falls out and I'm avoiding everyone, even my cherished best friend.

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I wrote in my last blog about dissatisfaction with my relationship. That’s not really true. While there are times when I wish things were different, most of the time I’m satisfied.

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The Buddha taught that all conditioned mental and physical phenomena are impermanent, but there is something that doesn't seem to change -- the dissatisfaction I have with my relationship with my wife.

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Nowadays, whenever I try writing in some kind of blog or journal . . . it's utter failure. In most cases I hate what I wrote and throw it away or in a blogs case: delete it. I know it has a lot to do with my denial about the ugly person that depression has created. It really doesn't help that my anxiety fuels it.

All I've wanted is to be content; to live freely without a care. I've always felt this void in my chest and heart, like something is missing, but I can't figure out what.

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I know it's been a while since I wrote anything.... blog entry, PM, anything. I've more or less been hiding in my shell the last few weeks, riding the emotional roller coaster. Gotta love it... O_o

Life here in KY hasn't been terrible at all. Joe's family are total gems in every sense. His Mom is so much like my Mom in so many ways, it's scary. It's like she's my Mom with a Kentucky accent :b

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